Where is the line?

I have been struggling lately with several people, including family, whom are of an older generation and the "opinions" they hold.

I struggle with the fact that they claim to be open minded, accepting and non judgmental.

Yet they make racist comments about religions they know nothing about, and to my knowledge know no one who is apart of them.

They claim to have done research yet continuously claim false facts, facts that can actually be verified through our Provincial and Federal government websites.

They claim things were so much better back "in their day."

They claim this while having daughters.

Daughters whom "back in their day" struggled to be accepted as equals.  To be paid as equals.  To be seen as equals in all fields of vocation.  And if we go back far enough, Aboriginal people and people of Colour weren't recognized or treated as equals either.

So how was it so much better "back in their day" that they would be willing to give up those rights their daughters, sisters and wives have now? Or their friends and family of differing cultures and heritages?

When has it ever been okay to make fun of another minority, gender, nationality or religious sect just because you think something that is different, or you don't understand is funny?

It's never okay.

This isn't being weak.  This isn't being a "weak overly sensitive pussy."

This is holding people accountable for racists and hurtful acts, no matter how harmless you may think it is.

There can be no gray area when it comes to when is it acceptable to poke fun at one group versus another.
Who gets the power to decide when such actions, statements, jokes, memes, posters etc are okay?

How does that each tolerance?

How does that teach "treat others as you would like to be treated?"

And adage that is found universally through most religions across our world.

Yet I am being insensitive, rude and judgmental when I pointed out.

I am wrong.

I don't know what I am talking about.

Just like I apparently don't know what I am talking about when I had to explain and argue "rape culture" and how my own father and several others on my friends list were perpetuating said culture.

No woman EVER asks to be raped.  It doesn't matter what they are wearing or whether they were drinking or not.

No means No and if we didn't say Yes it still means NO.

To imply a man cannot be held responsible for their actions because of what a woman is wearing is shameful.  To imply a man cannot be held accountable for their choices when drinking but hold a woman accountable is horrid.

The MAN chose to act that way.

The WOMAN did not choose to be raped, assaulted, groped, catcalled at or rude sexual innuendos shouted at her.

I have been the victim of being sexually assaulted when I was in Venturers.  I was groped unwantedly by a youth in another group from mine. I was 14.  I said nothing because back then (23 years ago) I would have just been told "boys will be boys."

Up until I gave birth to my son and gained weight I was the subject of wanted attention in the gaming community as well as just out on the street in the regular populace.
Propositioned, threatened, unwanted advances all because of my gender.

I wasn't dressed in any sexy way.  I didn't ask for it and I didn't want it.

Now I am subject to fat shaming.

Because I am overweight people pass judgement on me all the time.

Despite the fact I exercise, I eat fairly well because I am not "skinny" I must be lazy, useless and worthless and stuffing my face with junk food at all times.

Yet members of my own family and others of the same generation think it is perfectly acceptable to make "fat" jokes, or woman jokes.
And don't assume I think it is acceptable for woman to make Men jokes.  I don't.  I think both types of joke are equally distasteful and hurtful to how we view each other.

They think that just because it was acceptable 30+ years ago it should be okay now.

It isn't.  If you claim to be embracing all the changes that have occurred over the past 30+ years than you have to educate yourself and grow as a person.

I was told that I shouldn't be so happy that the USA finally made gay marriage a thing.  I was told that it wasn't that big a deal.  I was told that oh well all it means is that more people can get divorced.
It is a big deal.
They DIDN'T have the option before.  This also meant that if they had children together and something happened to one of them the children COULD and likely WOULD be removed from the other parent because they weren't married.
Getting married gains access to SO MUCH MORE than the ability to get divorced.  Legal rights, especially when it comes to health, benefits, children etc.
AND the freedom to CHOOSE to get married.

It wasn't that long ago that people of Colour couldn't go in certain stores, sit in certain areas etc.  Yet we celebrated that as a big thing when they gained these rights.
Sadly we have far to come with regards to how they are treated within our legal system and by our law enforcement regardless of whether we look at Canada or the USA.

So why do we diminish the importance of the right for ALL people to be married?

Life is journey of learning or a lot of you keep claiming on your facebook pages.

So if that is true why are you offended when I call you out on your outdated points of view, offensive remarks and disrespectful comments?  Just because it was okay back than does not make it okay now.

No this doesn't mean we are going to pretend it never happened, but perpetuating out dated opinions and points of view is counterproductive to moving forward in our world.

Yes you are entitled to your opinion, but when some of you claim to be "Good Christians" what ever that is supposed to mean, and pass judgement on others and make fun of others all in the name of being "funny" it seems to go against what I know to be the teachings of your Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

I may not be Christian, but I am well aware of this man's teachings.  No where does he condone making fun of another's beliefs because you think it's funny.  Nor does he claim that it is okay for us to pass judgement on others.
If memory serves, he actually says the only one we need to face judgement to is God.  Whether you believe in what the person practices or believes Jesus teaches to be accepting of others.

One of the greatest pastors I ever met was years ago when I was going with friends to a Youth Group.
He stated that it didn't matter if we thought being gay or bi, or a different religion etc was a sin.  We had to accept these people for who they were.  Treat them with kindness.  The only one who had to the right to judge them was God.  He believed God was tolerant and so should we be.
Alas he was replaced shortly after that and I abruptly stopped attending as the new pastor had quite the opposite view.

There is no line for tolerance.
You either are tolerant of others or you are not.
If you are not tolerant of others, then it stands to reason you also do not respect the others rights to believe in something different than yourself.
And that is why our world still suffers hate.

Because intolerance and disrespect breeds hate.

And as I have watched this long drawn out election go on and the way some of my friends and family have poked fun, or flat out spouted WRONG information about the niqab as well as argue that it was a REAL election issue makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed.

Such a trivial thing when our Aboriginal women continue to disappear or be murdered at an alarming rate.  And I am told that it isn't as important as the niqab because how dare someone cover their face during a ceremony?!
We as Canadians have the blessed right to wear what we wish, yet all of a sudden a group cannot wear a head covering because their face is covered.  Despite the fact ALL of their ID has their actual face on it and they MUST show their face to the appropriate officials.
And I wish I could say that this would have been an issue if men were the ones wearing the niqab, but alas I don't think it would be so.

We say we have come far, but we haven't.

So no I am not overly sensitive.  And if you are uncomfortable with what I had to say, good.

Maybe you will think, learn and grow.

Maybe you won't.

If you think I am doing it for the attention get off my Facebook/Google+/Blog etc

I think I have been pretty clear that I suffer from Severe Depression, Severe Anxiety and PTSD.

So if it makes you uncomfortable or you think when I post or comment about struggling that I am vying for attention, you clearly don't get mental illness.

And you _clearly_ don't know me.

I'd happily not feel the way I do if I could choose.  And no, it isn't as simple as choosing to change my mind and thought process.  I've struggled with this for so long without help and support to know that the belief I can fix my mental illness by sheer willpower is a load of sh*t.

There is a lot going on right now in my life.  Unfortunately due to the nature of what is going on and the fact it doesn't just effect me, I cannot say anything much until a resolution has been met.

All I can say is what is going on directly has an impact on my life and my future.

So for the first time since finding the right balance of medication and finishing counselling, I have stopped sleeping, been going through the motions, eating poorly, unable to stop the constant worrying about EVERYTHING.  And I literally mean everything.  Over analyzing every nuance from random conversations, texts, phone calls, emails, things I literally have no control over and stuff that happened YEARS ago that has no bearing on anything now yet my mind fixates and replays it over and over again, and all of it negative thought.

But you were out with your friend being silly with hats the other night, how could you be fine than and not now?

Simple.  I literally lived for 10 years pretending to be okay all of the time.  And just under two years ago I hit rock bottom.  So suffice to say I have practice at fooling the world.
Not only that, my friend Joe knows what is going on and knew I needed to just get out and as always when he and I hang out we found something silly to get up to.

And no, back on the 20th of September when I posted pictures of my son celebrating his birthday I was not being overly dramatic when I claimed "he was the only reason I was still among the living."

That is the hard truth.

If I had not had my son, I would not be here today.  I would have taken my own life at some point.
Because yes, it was that bad.

However the only thing I ever wanted to be when I was growing up was a mother.  It took 2 years of trying before my son was conceived.

It was his face, his smell, his warm body and eventually his hugs and kisses, laugh and voice that kept me going.
When I couldn't sleep or the darkness of depression was becoming too much I would go to his room and pick him up and hold him close.  Keeping close the best thing I ever had a hand in creating in this world.
Reminding myself he was the reason I had to keep living.  There is a reason he knows the Love You Forever story by Robert Munsch by heart as well as the song "You Are My Sunshine."

I am not okay.  And if I don't  start heading back toward normal soon I will be going to my doctor to see what he suggests we do about it whether that is returning to counselling or temporarily upping my antidepressants or both.

This is life with multiple mental illnesses.  Some days/weeks/months are better than others.  And every so often when life throws extra curve balls one may need a little more help, compassion and understanding as one struggles to cope.
If you wish to judge me instead, I don't need you in my life.

To the rest of you who have been understanding, compassionate or helpful in your own way, thank you.  It makes a difference.  ((HUGS))
Also thanks Andrew for having W call me even though today wasn't a day he was to call.  It helped.
Glad he's with you this week while all this goes down.

Anxiety and my Child

Getting my diagnosis for my Anxiety has changed my life.
Learning and understanding what Anxiety is, how it effects me and what it looks like for me has helped me immensely.

It has also made me realize just how long I have lived with anxiety.  This wasn't something I developed, this is something that has impacted me since childhood.

This hit home for me when I learned what panic attacks can look like outside of the stereotype.

This is what has allowed me to recognize that my almost seven year old is suffering from Anxiety along with his ADHD.

See as long as he felt safe and secure, it was rarely seen.  Where it started to manifest was when he made the switch from nursery school to kindergarten, changing from the parent/child swim class to the child only swim class, followed by the separation of his Dad and I (which also caused some of its own emotional turmoil for him).

It worsened extensively during his time in Senior Kindergarten and Grade 1 when his regular teacher went on sick leave for 8 weeks.  We began homeschooling in the January.

It has progressively snowballed to the point that I am about to take him to the doctor to talk about medication and we are on numerous wait lists for different programs like New Path etc. for counseling.

Why?

Because nearly seven year old boys should NOT being having full blown panic attacks over trivial things such as going to the bathroom by himself at a group function at a place he has been to several times before and never had an issue.  Having a panic attack over not being able to do a school related activity perfectly on the first try or not being able to find me while I am downstairs in the house we have lived in for two years while he is upstairs. Not being able to sleep in his bed because a friend of his Dad's didn't take in account that just because he was laughing at the very campy ghost stories didn't mean it wasn't going to be an issue later when the child with the incredibly OVERACTIVE imagination processed it into a full blown fear of all shadows, creepy noises and dark to go along with the panic attacks.

The switch to home schooling has eliminated all complaints of stomach issues and sleep issues (up till the camping event with his Dad that occurred mid July).

Our work with him on identifying when he is feeling overwhelmed or anger is a work in progress. However he now can self sooth and calm himself down after an outburst, recognize what he should have done, articulate that to the person he yelled/hit and apologize entirely on his own.

Except out of the blue he has now taken to yelling at himself that "he is so stupid, he shouldn't keep doing _________"

I have had to work hard to get him to hear me and listen to me that he is not stupid, he is human and we ALL make mistakes.  He made a mistake and he can see that and continue to keep trying to make the better choice next time.
Still trying to pinpoint where this is coming from as BOTH his Dad and I do not say things like that too him ever.

I also told him that just by recognizing what he did wrong and apologizing he is ahead of many adults in the world.

His early birthday present from me was a trip to Build-a-Bear where he was given a specific budget to build something who would help protect him from the "night time monsters."
He made a Toothless from How to Train your Dragon.
So together with Fluffy (the bunny he made last year at Build-a-Bear with his Aunt), Toothless has made bed time a little easier and me getting my bed to myself in the near future actually plausible.

What has been hard is getting his Dad to understand.
It was stupid of me to assume that because his Dad has ADHD that he'd be able to understand, relate and support our son.
And to remember that our son is only a child.  Sometimes his expectations are incredibly high or unrealistic for our son's age.  Which does not help with the anxiety.

My heart aches for my child.  I literally know exactly what he is going through.

The upside is that I know.  I can help him and I can get him help.

30 years ago they never would have even considered anxiety as a possibility in a child.
It would have saved me so much heartache and my Mom too.

It just sucks that in current day we've had to wait nearly 1.5 years on a wait list for counselling.
If I had money, he could have had access right away.

Heck getting a full psychological assessment isn't covered by anyone.
That's nearly $3000 now.

Who has that kind of money just laying around??

I know my son has ADHD.  I have read more papers, more books and research than our family doctor.  The doctor we saw at the School Success Program was impressed by my knowledge and agreed.  So it would be really nice if one of them would finally put it in writing so I can apply for funding and such to help my son.

It will be interesting to see what they do with regards to formally diagnosing W with Anxiety.

Sigh.

Seriously Parents Give Your Heads A Shake

This post has been inspired by this:http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/free-range-parents-plan-to-file-lawsuit-after-police-pick-up-children/2015/04/14/ed4f7658-e2b7-11e4-b510-962fcfabc310_story.html

I'd like to say that this state's mindset is far and few between, but it isn't.

I can remember when I was in Waterloo listening to parents go on about how they couldn't let their 8+ year olds walk the 2-3 blocks alone because "they might be kidnapped or molested."

I can remember the very same parents also claim that the following:

1. Our society is scarier than when we were young/our own parents were young

2. The pedophiles are more plentiful than they were a couple of decades ago

3. That kidnapping by a stranger is the most common form of kidnapping.

Alas none of those statements are true.

On point number one, we are actually safer because we KNOW what to look out for.
And on the whole we don't need to worry too much as long as we teach our children how to be safe when on their own.
NOT terrified of strangers.

On point number two, again no it isn't that there is more, it's that we are aware of them, they get charged and placed on a Sex Offenders list now.  Back even 10 years ago incidents like that were hush hushed and brushed aside.  It's only because victims started taking a stand that things changed.
Also sexual abuse most commonly happens between people who are known to the child, not a complete stranger.  Someone with a position of power and trust over a child who can be easily manipulated.  I know that if my parents had talked to us and had the dialogue I had with my son, we would have said something when we were abused by a then family friend 28 years ago.
It was something that was talked about.  People didn't know how.  And that is how pedophiles got away with it for so long.

Point number three...  http://www.canadasmissing.ca/pubs/fac-ren-2014-eng.htm
When looking at the second chart, the kidnapping of a child by someone known to the child is nearly 10 times higher than the number of children kidnapped by a stranger.
I am not sure what an accidental kidnapping is, but it warrants higher numbers than kidnapped by stranger and behind that is abducted by a parent. The most common cause of missing children in Canada is wandered off.
** I was told on a public Canadian parenting forum that I lived in a bubble and was lying to myself because strangers kidnapped kids and killed/abused them daily.  That I had no statistical proof.  The same "parent" then had me banned from the forum after I posted the above link and demanded politely she show her proof for her "claimed statistics."  Apparently she was friends with the moderator of the group.

I have lost count the number of times children were yelled at by their parents for talking to me when I was at the park with 4-6 children depending on the time of day.

The day that took the cake for me was when the girl (6 years old) fell on the monkey bars, hit her head, and I rushed to help her because her mother was too busy chasing after the girl's brother (3 years of age who was ignoring his mother and she was making a game out of getting him to come back instead of making it clear it was not okay to go running off, especially toward the Spring swollen creek) came back and screamed at me for talking and touching her child.  I explained the child had fallen and hit her head and I was seeing if she was alright.  Not once did she stop to ask her daughter if she was alright or if she was hurt.  Instead she told me to "Not f*cking ever touch her daughter," then grabbed her daughter's hand and dragged her home.

What did the parent think I was going to do?  Molest her child in plain sight in front of 8 children and two other adults present?  Kidnap her child along with the 5 already in my care that day?
Seriously.

There are people on parenting forums who are APPALLED that I let my 6 year old son go the the public bathroom by himself.  He's 6, he doesn't want to go to the "girls bathroom."  He knows that he has a certain amount of time before I am coming in after him.  He knows if someone tries to do anything to him that he is to "freak out" and be as loud as possible.

These people are also APPALLED I let my 6 year old play unsupervised in the fenced in back yard of my house.
I played unsupervised in my UNFENCED backyard when I was his age.  We were allowed to go play at the school park when I was 7 unsupervised, though I will admit it was probably because my Mom could see the school yard from our back yard, but still it only takes seconds for something to happen.

Heck these same people would probably have a heart attack if they knew that I used to let my son when he was 2, 3 and 4 years of age when we lived in Waterloo, play in the tiny fenced in, childproof back yard on his own.  He thought he was on his own.  He never clued in that when he was outside I was sitting on the couch beside the sliding glass door to outside keeping an eye on him.
He didn't gain the privilege of playing with his sidewalk toys (Cozy Coupe, trike etc) unsupervised till he was 4.  And he lost that privilege for  two weeks after the third day because he went outside of his boundaries.  After that there was never an issue.

When it comes to public places, my son already has a healthy understanding of what it feels like to get separated in a large crowded place.
He was 3 turning 4 when we went to the Science Centre with friends.
He got ahead of us in the one area, not realizing we had all stopped to look at something.  Now we had already discussed other times what to do.
The first thing he did was come back to the last place we all were, which happened to be where we all were.  He came back about a minute after we realized he wasn't with the group.  I saw him come running through the crowd with a look of sheer terror.
I calmed him down and then we discussed what he did right.
We also reiterated to him that if we hadn't been there he was to stay put because we would come find him.

Present day, this is still the strategy we use, except if we are at something like Canada Day, Ad Astra, Mariposa Folk Festival, we have taught him to look for the Information Desk/Table or the First Aid Tent.  Both places have people who can help him find his Dad or I.

He still doesn't know our phone number.  He struggles with memorizing numbers, however he knows our address here and both his Dad's and my full names as well as his Grandma and Grandpa's full names on both sides of the family.

Now since he can shut down and stop talking when really upset and overwhelmed, when we were at Ad Astra, they gave him a weekend pass card on a lanyard.  On the back I wrote my name and cell number so that if he got lost, couldn't find the Information Desk or designated safe people (friends who I had identified for him who had ways to contact me) he could go to the hotel lobby and show it to someone at the desk.

It made him feel safe.  It helped with his anxiety about getting separated from me.  And he also had confidence in the fact we had a plan and HE knew what to do if anything happened.
It was him who pointed out to ME that he would always be able to find the Information Table because they had put colour coded tape on the floor to help people traverse through the vast space and maze of the hotel.  He knew he had to follow the blue tape and by that point he knew all the volunteers at the Information Desk because he liked to stop and talk with them.

This is what street proofing your child should look like.

Yes he knows not to take anything from strangers, not to go with anyone he wasn't given permission to by me or his Dad.  We've even role played scenarios to help him.  He's been taught it is perfectly fine to talk with strangers at the park etc.  That it is okay to give his name, but not our address.  Safe topics with strangers are things like, weather, how are you to day? etc.

At what point does "protecting" our children become overkill?

Are we now saying our parents and grandparents were horrible, terrible parents because they let us play outside on our own, walk to the park on our own, walk to school more than 1km on our own, go to our friends on our own all without the "security blanket" of a cell phone that didn't exist back than?
Are they terrible horrible parents because it was okay for strangers or other kids parents to tell us to behave when we were caught doing something we KNEW we shouldn't be doing?
Instead parents ignore the issue and go after the strangers/parents for harassing their son/daughter.


William already knows he will not be getting a cell phone till he is in his teens.  He will likely have some form of tablet-like thing when he gets to be a preteen, but he doesn't need a phone.

It scares me the number of websites that have tracking apps for parents to spy on their children etc.
How will these children and young adults ever learn about trust --including who to trust?
I'd be really worried about what led these children/young adults to believe they can just do what they want regardless of boundaries and rules set out.  Perhaps not enough appropriate consequences or follow through on the parents' part?
Oh there will always be the exception to the rule.  That's just how life works, but the majority, no we don't need to be tracking their every single move.

The younger children are taught to take responsibility for their actions and themselves, the better off they will be throughout life.

People UNDER estimate the abilities of children at almost every age.
We need to raise our expectations on some levels, not lower them.
Especially with regards to respect, empathy and self sufficiency.

Unexpected Sadness

My Grandmother suffered from Dementia.  She's been holding steady for awhile with regards to her memory not getting worse.  She always remembered who my son was, who my Mom was, on some occasions she would mistake me for either my Mom or my Aunt.

We saw her last week.  She looked a little tired, and it was the first time we had to tell her who William was, but as soon as we did she lit up like a candle.

Sunday my Mom got a call letting her know that Grandma wasn't eating or drinking.  She couldn't get over because Dad had to come and collect me and William from the convention he and I attended this weekend.
However no one was declaring any doom and gloom at that point.
So this morning when the call came through from the nursing home asking us about palliative care and if we wanted to book the room to stay over night all we had to do was call etc we were all thrown for a loop.  We rushed over.

She looked like a shadow of the woman we visited last week.  As William aptly put it, she looked like a leaf all dried and shriveled up.
William stayed long enough to squeeze her hand and and say hi.  I couldn't blame him. She didn't look much like Great Grandma.  He and I went down to the Cafe area while Mom and Dad sat with Grandma.

We stayed for almost an hour and then we came home (partly because I had nothing to occupy William) and to eat, rest etc.

At 2:40pm we got the call to come, things were dire.  We arrived.  I set William up in the tv lounge down the hall from my grandmother's room.

A lady who works with my grandmother, also a lady I worked with for several years back when we both worked for Swiss Chalet, Karen, was sitting holding my grandmother's hand.  Making sure that she wouldn't be alone if we didn't get there in time.  For that, I cannot ever thank her enough.

Grandma was still with us when we arrived.  We just sat and talked to her telling her we were there.    It was okay.  She wasn't alone and it was okay to go.  We held her hands.

After a bit I kissed her on the forehead and left to go sit with William.

A little while later Grandma left to be with her family on the Other Side.

It happened that quick.

Grandma always said she didn't want to linger when the time came.

My Grandma taught me so many things over the years.

She was the one who taught me how to follow a knitting pattern, how to sew things together, shared her love of books, Coca Cola, Chocolate, window shopping, baking and gardening.
She taught me that love knows no boundaries.  It's where I get my loyal to a fault and too trusting nature from.
We always looked for the best in everyone.

She loved all of us.

I can still hear her laugh.  I always loved to hear her laugh.

I am so glad William was able to know her and that she was able to know him.

I am so glad that she went with most of her memory intact.  She left knowing who we were and that we loved her.

We will be having a Celebration of Life in the future once Jennifer is back in the province.
Details will be posted eventually.

Don't take your loved ones for granted.  You cannot assume they will always be there just because they seem healthy.

Love and Light

Olga McHugh 

(Great) Gramma "Q"

March 4, 1932- April 13, 2015

It's Not Your Child, It's Mine

To the Parent at my son's Parks and Recreation Program,

I am trying my hardest not to single out your child with regards to mine.  It's not that she is doing anything wrong for a child her age.

It's my son I am worried about.  See with his ADHD he doesn't deal to well with others getting right into his space, especially his face (yes I know he gets into others space from time to time, trust me this is an improvement from how he used to be). He also doesn't deal well when someone gets right in his face and is loud.

Your child seems to see something in my child that she likes.
Which is cool.

The challenge is that my son doesn't see age.  He is going on 7 and your child is 4.

Socially, they are not at the same level solely because of their ages.

He sees someone getting into his space and yelling/just being loud really close to him and it causes him to become anxious.  He doesn't get why she doesn't stay back when he says stop or why she doesn't get he doesn't find her copying him funny.

Unfortunately when he was in school he had classmates who copied him on purpose to get him mad so he sees it as her teasing him, not her copying him because she thinks he is funny and neat.

I try to redirect my son for her safety, not because she is the problem.  She is there learning too.  She is there to learn how to work in a group, respect her peers and follow instructions all the while having fun.

My son is there too, for similar reasons.  Just if he falls apart it can go poorly for everyone.

On an excellent day he will remove himself when he feels overwhelmed, use his words and ask the teacher/adult for help.

On a good day, like today, he needs a little support and we can redirect him and get him to stay close to the teacher when he struggles to explain her closeness and loudness are troubling him.

On a middling/okay day, he might have a yelling and crying melt down.  Need a break from the group and then return without any issue.

On a bad day he could haul off and smack your child before any of us realize it's about to happen.

And ultimately it's your child getting hurt that I am worried about, not her behaviour.

So remember I am not passing judgement on your parenting or your child's behaviour when I try to redirect my son away from your child, I am just trying to keep what can sometimes be a ticking time bomb from going off.

Sincerely,

The Parent with the ADHD child

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is Real

I am so sick and tired of the meme that keeps showing up on facebook stating something along the following:

"We didn't have ADHD in my day.  We had the strap."

or

"Back in my day it was called daydreaming not ADHD"

or

"There is no such thing as ADHD, we ALL have ADHD moments"

Firstly they may not know what exactly is the cause of ADHD, but all the books I have read all agree on several key things.  ADHD is genetic and it's a neurological disorder.

ADHD is very real.

Is it being over diagnosed?

Possibly, but my research and reading say otherwise.  I am more inclined to say that stimulants are over prescribed, but the ADHD is very real.

Can it sometimes be misdiagnosed?

Sure, but anything can be misdiagnosed.

The key is to educate yourself and be vigilant on following up on questions, concerns and changes in behaviour both good and bad.

Just as Autism diagnoses have grown so have ADHD diagnoses.
Why?
Because we know what to look for.

Autism has seen a huge increase solely because they never considered anyone who was verbal capable of having it originally.  They thought you had to be nonverbal to be diagnosed Autistic. That changed over the past two or so decades

ADHD symptoms can be mimicked by things like an iron deficiency, sensitivities to gluten/dairy/sugar, lack of sleep to name a couple, but NONE of them are the cause.

Also medication does NOT cure ADHD, it can help a person learn to cope and focus better.
It never goes away, this is something a person has to learn to cope and live with for the rest of their life the same as someone who is Diabetic.
We don't tell people with Diabetes to "just suck it up, sorry that you're going to die because your body doesn't produce insulin."

I have severe Anxiety.  I can't will it away.  I take medication to help, but it doesn't magically make it disappear.  I still have bad days.  The same holds true to any mental or neurological disorder.

I have had to learn coping strategies the same way my son will have to learn (and is currently learning) coping strategies for his ADHD.

Why does my son get to be judged and belittled just because others think it's funny to spread misinformation around?

And you would think people who have children with special needs would understand instead of sharing these posts as well.
Yet of the couple hundred people I have friended on Facebook, a handful of them, who have children with special needs or even some form of mental illness themselves, have shared one or more of the above memes.

What makes you or your child(ren) better then me or my child?  Is their/your condition some how more special or better or more REAL??

You would be just as pissed as I am if I had posted such things saying derogatory things or spreading misinformation about your child's special needs or your own issues.


Just because you read it on the Internet, doesn't make it true.

If you wish to educate yourself here are books and sites you can go to to LEARN:

http://www.caddac.ca/

http://www.mentalhealthcanada.com/ConditionsandDisordersDetail.asp?lang=e&category=60

http://www.cmha.bc.ca/get-informed/mental-health-information/adult-adhd

http://www.chaddcanada.com/research.php

http://www.adhdmarriage.com/ **

http://www.additudemag.com/

Taking Charge of ADHD by Dr. Russell A Barkley
http://www.amazon.ca/dp/1462507891

Driven to Distraction by Edward M. Hallowell**
http://www.amazon.ca/dp/0307743152

The ADHD Effect on Marriage by Melissa Orlov**
http://www.amazon.ca/dp/1886941971

1000 Best Tips for ADHD by Susan Ashley
http://www.amazon.ca/dp/1402271395

The Explosive Child by Dr. Ross Green
http://www.amazon.ca/dp/B00GLS4XT4




**Yes some of the books and links are for Adults, ADHD and marriage/relationships.  Unfortunately ADHD coupled with mental illness ended my marriage.
My ex and I are great friends now, but we both recognize that his ADHD did factor into the ending of the marriage and I reiterate it was not the only factor.

The Day of Sad

Today was a far more emotional day than I anticipated.  We laid to rest Tiger Lily and Hexadecimal, 17 years and 4 months old.

Last night I had to have the conversation with my 6 year old about why we were "killing the cats."

Once he understood that we can't give human medicine to pets with regards to cancer and surgery because of their age he stopped stressing.  They were in pain, they were losing weight, barely keeping what they ate down and losing control of their bodies.  They were suffering.

He swung between crying and being manically happy through out the day.

I took some nice pictures of both cats by themselves and with W.

My Dad was having a really hard time coping with W when we went to the vet.  W was definitely overcompensating for being upset by behaving almost annoyingly hyper and chipper.

He's 6, he can "forget" about bad feelings temporarily with ease with distraction, especially when you factor in his ADHD.

The vet was very nice, hadn't met this one before.  Tiger peed on them when they were putting the catheter in her leg.  They saw how bad it was, and they did not disagree that this was the best course of action, especially when we told them Hex wasn't any different.

W couldn't hold Tiger, so I did, just as I promised Jen that I would.  However he did pet her in her special spot (she loved to be stroked on the ridge of her nose and forehead) the whole time, just like he told Auntie Jen he would.
Dad held Hex.
We all cried.

Both were "gone" within seconds of the 'medicine' being given to them.

Dad and I were crying before that occurred.  As W saw what was happening he too cried and kept petting Tiger, his "favouritist in the world who was now gone."
He impressed the vet by coming and wiping my eyes with the kleenex we had brought while I held Tiger.

We wrapped them in their snowflake blankets (one of their favourites) and brought them home together in the same carrier.

We explained to W, that they will be residing in the freezer downstairs until the thaw so we can place them is the "Fairy Garden" aka the rose garden where another beloved family pet has been laid to rest.

He has announced until that happens he won't go to the basement.  I told him I understood.

He's six, his six year old imagination just does weird things with something like this.

When I was talking to my sister later this evening, he came and literally grabbed the phone out of my hand, which is incredibly unusual for him.

He said to Auntie Jen "We're putting Hex and Tiger in the freezer do you think they will move around"
She was like "but W they're dead they won't move-"
"No Auntie Jen not their bodies, their ghosts!"

She agreed with him and after he handed the phone back to me he told me that he thinks that Tiger and Hex's ghosts will stay here to keep him safe.

Possible, but not likely, but who am I to tell him different at this point?
Especially if it makes him feel better?

He also informed me to tell Auntie Jen that she has to help him make a tombstone to put in the garden because "Auntie Jen is good with tools."

The dog has gone looking for them, she keeps sniffing all the usual spots and can't find them.
I don't think my cat has registered yet that she is the only one here.
I know she went and hid when she heard them get put in the carriers and with her past experience would stay hiding for awhile --my old other cat used to terrorize her any time he spent anytime in the carrier.
And since Hex, Tiger and Katy had only tenuously gotten along this past year and a half since we moved in, it will likely take her a few days to notice she is on her own with the dog.

It's weird.

I keep looking and listening for them.  I expect that will be the case for a number of weeks.

I am thankful that W's first experience of the loss of a family pet was this way, then the way it happened for me when I was a child.
Losing a pet due to It being hit by a car is far harder to accept then one who has had to go on because they were ill.

Today we had time to say good bye as hard as it still was.

I am just left with the surreal sense of how floppy and light Tiger felt after she left.

Tiger and Hex, you crossed the Rainbow Bridge today.  I am sure you were greeted by Casey.
One day in the future we will see you again soon.

Hexadecimal

Tiger Lily

At the Request of my 6 year old

We have 3 cats, 1 dog and a turtle.

Two of the cats are sisters who are 17 turning 18 this year.  Tiger Lily and Hexadecimal
The dog is 15 turning 16.  Sara-Bear
The last cat is 11 turning 12. Katydid
The turtle is also turning 12. A'tuin

We've known that Hex hasn't been doing well since before Christmas when we first found blood in her urine.  A trip to the vet and round of antibiotics saw some improvement.
A second trip and another round of antibiotics saw no improvement.
Essentially it came down to the fact her kidneys are failing.
So we chose to just make her comfortable until things got worse.

What we didn't anticipate was her sister getting worse along side of her.
They have deteriorated rapidly over the past couple of weeks.  Moving a litter box upstairs did help some with the peeing in places they shouldn't.  It also showed us that things were much worse than we thought.

Both cats are having difficulty jumping up on things including meowing as if in pain when attempting to jump.
Both are now throwing up every where as well as not always making it to the litter box.
They also do nothing but sleep, all. of. the. time.

It sucks.

Because outside of those issues they continue to be their snuggly demanding selves.  When they are awake, they are demanding to be petted, snuggled and paid attention to.
Yet they are also telling us they aren't okay.

One of the cats, Tiger, is my sister's.  It sucks because my sister is in BC.  Yet I know exactly how she feels as I was unable to come be with my dog when my dog took so ill.  It was my sister who held her, who took care of her at the end.

My son is having a really hard time.

He swings from being happy they won't be sick anymore to uncontrollable crying because we will only have one cat and his favourite (my sister's cat) won't be here anymore.
We keep telling him it's okay to be sad.  It's okay to cry, that all of us have cried and I was crying with him tonight.  It is sad.  We will miss them.

He has said he will hold Tiger, but tonight, he asked if he could just sit beside her and pet her.  I think death is scaring him.  So we talked a bit further about the Circle of Life.  That death is a natural part of life.
Then I told him all the happy memories and stories I could think of about Hex and Tiger to bring him out of uncontrollable crying to just sad.

He then tearfully and earnestly asked me if I could tell everyone we know what is happening.  Initially he wanted me to place an add (he meant Obituary) in the newspaper like they do for people.  I tried to explain to him this wasn't something we did for pets, but he got so upset that finally I told him I would tell everyone on facebook and my blog instead to which he agreed to and calmed down.

So as requested by my 6 year old:

Tiger Lily and Hexadecimal

Born approximately November 1997

Came to be our pets in January 1998

On Thursday March 12, 2015

Tiger and Hex will be crossing the Rainbow Bridge together.

They came into our lives together, and together they will be leaving us.

(Tiger is the one at the top, Hex at the bottom)

Home Schooling a 6 year old with ADHD

Well we began home schooling in January.  It wasn't entirely unexpected.

This decision occurred for two reasons really.  First the administration at his public elementary school were giving me grief because of his "behavioural problems" and that he was missing a week of every month to visit his father who lives in Ottawa.
Second because the administration, though claiming to be willing to help work with his diagnosis, lost his paper work, stated he didn't need an IEP or anything because he didn't have any academic issues despite the fact his teacher had to report that he knows nothing, because he hadn't done anything to prove otherwise at school.

Now let me make it clear, his teacher straight up told us she knew he knew more then she could report based on his vocabulary, his sharing during discussions and shear knowledge he would just share at any time.  However he would not, could not do any work on paper unless an adult sat beside him keeping him on task the entire time because of the distraction of the others.  Clearly the teacher, in a class of 22 children, of which 3 are diagnosed with some form of LD or ADHD and no EA cannot do that.

We could get him to do the same work sheets at home that he never completed at school in 10-25 minutes depending on the concept and topic because we could minimize the distractions to nearly nothing. We could also get him to read age appropriate books (not necessarily at the level he should have been reading at) with ease.

The teacher was willing to work with his issues and help and support him where the administration wouldn't.  In the end it wasn't enough.

Home schooling has presented challenges in he has been flat out defiant over not being able to do something because "it's boring/too tired/wants to do it later."

I have had to resort to threatening to take away the much coveted Lego and occasionally revoke TV and video game privileges.

On the whole, there are more good days then bad.

Now we have found the wonder of Reading Eggs and Math Seeds (http://readingeggs.com/).  I use this as a supplement to break away from work sheets with regards to reading comprehension and reading.  It reinforces the concepts of breaking each part of the word into sounds to figure out what it is instead of guessing.  Though he was quite funny commenting on why it seemed to make him do everything almost the same but not quite three times.  He was amused when I explained that it's to help him remember it and that if he pays attention to Grandma and I at work, we do similar things when teaching First Aid to grown ups.

Due to not paying attention to what the instructions were being told to him he got placed at a much lower lesson level for his reading.  I have left it there as to reinforce what he knows.  Especially when it comes to constructing sentences and sight recognition of common words.

However when he did the test to place his math level for lessons in Math Seeds, he learned from his mistakes and paid attention to what was asked of him and is placed in the correct level for Math.

He fights having to do anything with regards to structured writing.  Despite the fact we are doing some follow up testing with the family doctor with regards to joint pain, I won't let him off the hook.
If he can play Lego and video games for hours, he can take 15-20 minutes each day to work on writing.
Otherwise how is he ever going to get better at it?
That has been the challenge, making him understand that the more he does it, the easier it will get.

Science... this child has no deficit in that area... and of course he loves any and all experiments and activities related to such.

Math also lends itself to breaking away from work sheets etc.  We tallied Mike n Ikes, did some estimation work before hand, and once sorted, counted and recorded ate them ;)

Fortunately the kid loves to play board games.  We have all sorts that fall into the Math/Language/Problem Solving realm.

The Library has become our new favourite hang out for many reasons.  BOOKS!  The fish, the toys, the computers, BOOKS!  The kid would bring home 10+ books every visit if I let him.

I have invested in a couple of books with regards to what is expected concept wise in grade 1 for Canadian curriculum.  I am still looking for more resources on things that are specific to our province.

His anxiety has decreased and increased at the same time.  How? He has stopped stressing over school, school work (unless he doesn't want to do it which is different).  However we have seen a spike in overactive imagination, including being afraid of the dark and not wanting to be alone on the bottom floor or upper floor of the house.  Currently I am stuck with him in my bed, but I have started to work on him about starting in his own bed, and coming to my bed when he wakes in the middle of the night.  He has agreed to this.
We are on a wait list for counselling on this, but unless he were to get much worse, we're in limbo.

I'd love to have a private full psychological assessment done, but at the tune of $2000 that isn't going to happen anytime soon.

How long do we plan to home school?

For as long as it works.

Socially, I have put him into a Parks and Rec program, he is in Beavers and will be trying to get him back into visiting his friends as much as possible.
The challenge is finding accessible (transportation wise that works with work schedules etc), affordable (I have a very limited amount of funds) that I am willing to pay and put him into and have him miss potentially half of it because he is at his Dad's.

His Dad doesn't understand why this frustrates me because he keeps saying they can do x in Ottawa and y in Ottawa.

That's all good and well, but how does that help me here?  I live in a small town that doesn't have near the resources or activities.

I think a tweak of the school time schedule will be my next project to try and lessen the refusal on some activities over others.  I thought breaking it up would go over better.  However it seems doing it in one big block with very short breaks to get up and move around etc works better.

It's trial and error at it's best!

Here we are One Year Later

So it's been nearly a year to the day since the fateful doctor's appointment where I learned I had not just Depression, but Severe Depression, Severe Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

I am happy to say I am coping and feeling like an entirely different person, but still me.

I can also say that at this point, my Depression is in remission and my PTSD is managed as is my Anxiety.

I am still taking antidepressants.  And there is a possibility I may be on them indefinitely, and I am okay with that.

I don't ever want to go back to living the way I was or feeling the way I was a year ago.

I like the me I am becoming.

I am not done finding me yet or working on being a healthier me.

Maybe one day I will find that I don't need the medication, may be I won't, but I look at it this way,
I wouldn't tell someone with Diabetes to just get over it and withhold their insulin, so why would I do that to myself with regards to taking a medication to help my mental illness?


For the first winter in nearly 10 years the Well of Darkness and Despair have not consumed me (aka Depression).
For the first time in 10 years I haven't be writing long journals of feeling out of sorts, lost, depressed.

So I say to you all, if you are struggling alone with mental illness, don't be afraid.  Go to the doctor, and if that doctor doesn't listen to you, find another one.  Don't suffer alone.  Don't suffer in silence.

It. Can. Get. Better.

All Right, New Year, Time to get Writing

*blows cobwebs and dust out of the way*

So life has been interesting to say the least the past few months.  Nothing I wish to really share in this space.  If you are Live Journal inclined and wish to read more, message me with your LJ info and I will add you.

I have decided to borrow from a friend of mine.  I am naming this year.

I am calling 2015 The Year of Transformation

I have spent the better part of a year working on me since Andrew and I separated.

Now I am going to redouble my efforts.

Mentally I am probably in the best place I have been in YEARS.  It's not perfect, but definitely an improvement.

Physically... I don't like me.  I am tired of carrying around the weight I gained from having my son.

A friend and I are joining a gym together.  We are doing this because neither of us will go to the gym by ourselves and for different reasons, we both want to get in better shape.


I am also figuring out my direction in Life.  What do I want to be when I grow up?

I know for sure, that at this time, I am done in the child care field.

I do not want to work from home again.  Finding work in a centre in this area without being able to drive is near impossible and I don't think I want to be an ECE in a kindergarten classroom.  At least not in this school board.


I have the ability to go back to school here because there is both a College and a University.

The question is what do I take?

Ultimately I'd like to one day teach at the college level for Early Childhood Education.  To do that I need a degree and likely a Masters.

I am contemplating a degree in Social Work.  Combined with  my ECE this opens a lot of opportunities if I am willing to move for work.  I am willing to do that as it would likely be four years from now.

I am going to get my license this year.  No, I can't afford to get a car, BUT I can utilize the family van when the parental unit is not using it or sleeping when he is on nights.

In two weeks I go write the G1 test.  In 6 months I take the entrance into the G2 and 6 months from that I take the exit into the Full G.  So this time next year I should have or about to have my full license.

I am also going to finally figure out my Path Spiritually wise.  I have connected with a great group of people locally.  I will be looking to them to sort out what is the best Path for me.

One step at a time.