If you think I am doing it for the attention get off my Facebook/Google+/Blog etc

I think I have been pretty clear that I suffer from Severe Depression, Severe Anxiety and PTSD.

So if it makes you uncomfortable or you think when I post or comment about struggling that I am vying for attention, you clearly don't get mental illness.

And you _clearly_ don't know me.

I'd happily not feel the way I do if I could choose.  And no, it isn't as simple as choosing to change my mind and thought process.  I've struggled with this for so long without help and support to know that the belief I can fix my mental illness by sheer willpower is a load of sh*t.

There is a lot going on right now in my life.  Unfortunately due to the nature of what is going on and the fact it doesn't just effect me, I cannot say anything much until a resolution has been met.

All I can say is what is going on directly has an impact on my life and my future.

So for the first time since finding the right balance of medication and finishing counselling, I have stopped sleeping, been going through the motions, eating poorly, unable to stop the constant worrying about EVERYTHING.  And I literally mean everything.  Over analyzing every nuance from random conversations, texts, phone calls, emails, things I literally have no control over and stuff that happened YEARS ago that has no bearing on anything now yet my mind fixates and replays it over and over again, and all of it negative thought.

But you were out with your friend being silly with hats the other night, how could you be fine than and not now?

Simple.  I literally lived for 10 years pretending to be okay all of the time.  And just under two years ago I hit rock bottom.  So suffice to say I have practice at fooling the world.
Not only that, my friend Joe knows what is going on and knew I needed to just get out and as always when he and I hang out we found something silly to get up to.

And no, back on the 20th of September when I posted pictures of my son celebrating his birthday I was not being overly dramatic when I claimed "he was the only reason I was still among the living."

That is the hard truth.

If I had not had my son, I would not be here today.  I would have taken my own life at some point.
Because yes, it was that bad.

However the only thing I ever wanted to be when I was growing up was a mother.  It took 2 years of trying before my son was conceived.

It was his face, his smell, his warm body and eventually his hugs and kisses, laugh and voice that kept me going.
When I couldn't sleep or the darkness of depression was becoming too much I would go to his room and pick him up and hold him close.  Keeping close the best thing I ever had a hand in creating in this world.
Reminding myself he was the reason I had to keep living.  There is a reason he knows the Love You Forever story by Robert Munsch by heart as well as the song "You Are My Sunshine."

I am not okay.  And if I don't  start heading back toward normal soon I will be going to my doctor to see what he suggests we do about it whether that is returning to counselling or temporarily upping my antidepressants or both.

This is life with multiple mental illnesses.  Some days/weeks/months are better than others.  And every so often when life throws extra curve balls one may need a little more help, compassion and understanding as one struggles to cope.
If you wish to judge me instead, I don't need you in my life.

To the rest of you who have been understanding, compassionate or helpful in your own way, thank you.  It makes a difference.  ((HUGS))
Also thanks Andrew for having W call me even though today wasn't a day he was to call.  It helped.
Glad he's with you this week while all this goes down.