2013 -Year in Review

Well I'd have to say this is the year that didn't go quite as expected.

If you had told me this time last year that William and I would be living with my parents in Orillia I probably would have laughed at you.

Yet that is my reality.  Just shy of 6 months ago I told Andrew I was leaving him and just over 4 months ago, after living in KW for 11 years I moved back home to Orillia.

I'd have to say it was the hardest thing I ever did, but I don't regret my choice.

I did everything I could to try and salvage a relationship that had been failing for over 5 years.  It cost me a lot and I am still paying for the mental and emotional drain that pretending for everyone that everything was okay created.  Not to mention the jaded bitter person I became.  I didn't like what I had become and I am slowly finding who I am again.  It's been a hard journey, I may not like me yet, but I no longer hate who and what I am and that to me is a step in the right direction.  I wish I could say there was even a glimmer of hope that there was a possibility of fixing things to the point of getting back together, but for reasons I don't care to get into there is no chance of that ever happening.

It is so nice to not have to live a lie and pretend to everyone that everything is okay when it really and truly wasn't.  Those of you who were closest knew, but even then there were times and moments where I even fooled you.

Yes it has been hard on William, but ultimately he recognizes that things are far better with his Mom and Dad living apart.  There is no more yelling and life with each of us is a whole lot more fun without that added stress.  He is still coming to terms with the fact that Mommy and Daddy won't ever be getting back together.

I know that he still mourns having moved, the loss of the day care friends (them coming every day -we still see them when we can) and the change of schools.  Though he is unwilling to admit it at times, he does prefer living here where he has a huge back yard, tons of nature to explore, a friend who lives beside the near by park, his own room AND toy room as well as an extra 2 cats and a dog for pets to go with our 1 cat and turtle.

On to other things that occurred over the year.  I stepped down as the Head Story Teller for Waterloo by Night.  There are many many reasons why that occurred.  Let's just say a proportion into why I left does include trying to save the failing marriage the rest isn't worth the effort to explain.  I miss and I don't miss Story Telling.  If I hadn't moved back to Orillia, I would have returned as a player.

I completed my ASL Basic Skills Certification at Conestoga College in June.  I miss the people for the most part I spent two years with that group.  I have been watching my DVDs and practicing from time to time, but it's not the same.

I had a pilonidal cyst removed again (hopefully this is the final time) in July.  It was just as large as the last one and this time it took 4 months to heal (the first one took 2 and a bit months, but I suspect it wasn't properly healed).  I suspect the stress of the separation and the move slowed healing down a smidge this time.  The surgery to have it removed is the only reason why William and I didn't move to Orillia in July.  I wasn't willing to move and have to start the process over again to find a surgeon when I had a surgery date and a surgeon in KW.  Post surgery I did end up with an awesome nurse here in Orillia who made sure I healed correctly and with any luck for good this time.

I think the most surreal feeling I have is the not doing home day care anymore. Seven years of working in the same job -I miss it and yet I don't.  For too long the stress of the failing relationship seeped into my work, partly because I worked from home.
What I miss most are the children and the parents.  If I hadn't wanted the family support, and wasn't feeling so burnt out I would have found a place in KW and kept looking after the crew.

Currently I am an instructor in training for Orillia First Aid and Safety Training.  I am pretty much able to teach the Safe@Home Alone and Babysitting courses.  I am now up to teaching over half the content in the Standard First Aid (SFA) courses and I can if needed, teach the straight CPR with or without the HCP (health care) course.
I figure by the end of January I will be teaching the SFA course entirely on my own.  I enjoy it.  It has also allowed me to spend more time with William and avoid putting him into childcare.

I have become a Beaver leader for 3rd Orillia.  My leader name is Tic Tac.  William is enjoying Beavers and on the whole so am I.

I have also reconnected with SiMuCOR (Simcoe Muskoka Coalition of Old Religions).  I went with my good friend (older brother I wish I had) out to Samhain.  It was like walking in and feeling like I had found home. I can't put into the words the sense of belonging I felt.  That sense was strengthened further when Joe helped me make it to Yule and I brought William to his first ever ritual.  Truly an excellent good group of people.

Writing... well I have been writing, mostly to myself, on my live journal.  Other then that I attempted the Nanowrimo challenge (write 50,000 words in the month of November) this year.  I failed miserably.  Finding a time I can write consistently while working and looking after William isn't an easy task.
Writing every day is just not realistic.  However writing for an hour or so every couple of days is attainable.
I added about another 23,000 words to my WIP.  Not sure if I am ever going to finish this WIP, but all I can do is try.

This year marked the 10th year of the Annual Christmas and Yule party.  It ended up being small, mainly because trying to organize something from a different city entirely is hard.  I only did it because it was the 10th year.  I have passed the torch and others are looking to make sure what I started so long ago will continue on even if I am no longer the organizer.  It was a good end, friends, good food and silliness.  What more could I ask for?

The New Year brings many new things.  In my opinion one of the most important is the fact that William and I will have a family doctor as of the 10th of January.  With luck this means I can get the help I need in finishing getting William diagnosed with his ADHD and me getting the help that I need to deal with my health and other issues.

I also see new beginnings and renewal of Faith with regards to myself.  Maybe I will finally find what Path I am supposed to be walking.

I still want to one day publish my writing.  For now I acknowledge the fact that this is not that time -yet.  For now I need to focus on finishing the pieces I have started and finding inspiration for new pieces.

This is going to be the year of Hope, Renewal and New Beginnings.

Blessed Yule, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Kindness Elves!

So you all know my very strong opinion about "The Elf on the Shelf," a friend of mine posted a link to his:
http://theimaginationtree.com/2013/11/alternative-elf-on-shelf-tradition-kindness-elf.html

And THIS *points to above* is what we should be doing with our children and teaching our children.

I wholeheartedly agree that we should be teaching our children and promoting the message of love, kindness and gratitude and that they are apart of making this happen in their world.

Too much time has been spent on focusing our children on negativity and what they are doing wrong.

We learn far better from doing then being told.  So if we make them apart of the process from young ages when it comes to doing acts of kindness and gratitude, hopefully they will carry this throughout all areas of their lives.

If the printer had ink, I'd be printing it off and sending it to my son's classroom.  WHY?
Because they spend WAY too much time on what NOT to do and not near enough time on what kid's should DO. There is so much attention on what is "good" and "bad" that I am routinely told by 3-5 members of W's classmates that he was "bad" today because he didn't do x/y/z.
Some of W's issues are directly related to his ADHD, some of it is a reflection on how bored he is because he is the only child in his class who was in full day every day kindergarten last year and from what he tells me most of what they are doing he has done before (and he has, whether it was with me at home with the day care kids or at school).

I am thinking I might still try to find some elves to do this with him in the weeks to come.

:D

At least the Teacher is smarter then the Note sent Home

So the Elf on the Shelf is present within my son's kindergarten class.  However, the elf, named Presents, is not reporting back to Santa as normally used in the original intent of the product.
He does mischievous things each night around the classroom and the children have to determine what he did and then that afternoon a writing team is chosen to write a note to Presents asking him what behaviours not to repeat because they aren't appropriate for school.

This I think is a brilliant idea.  It gets the children to observe their surroundings, correctly identify appropriate behaviour versus not appropriate behaviour and works on their writing skills as they send messages to the elf to advise him on what better choices in behaviour he should make and what he can and cannot do.

Though the note home does not state anything of the sort.  It states the elf, Presents, is there to report back to Santa who is being naughty and who is being caring, sharing and honest.

So you can see why I had a lot of misgivings about the introduction of the Elf on the Shelf into the classroom.

They really need to work on their written communication skills, because they have failed several times now sending notes home that say one thing when they really mean another.

What People Do in Their Own homes is One Thing, A Classroom is Entirely Different.

Elf on the Shelf.

I hate it.  I don't like the concept.  I don't think it is cute. I think it sends the WRONG message entirely during a period of time that is already hard enough to be a kid during.
The excitement and stress of the on coming holiday season that children face does not need to be augmented and placed under an extra special magnifying glass all in the name of Santa Claus and unrealistic behaviour expectations.

So for those of you who are saying to yourself the same thing I said to myself last year when I first heard the term "Elf on the Shelf" it is a book that comes with an elf.  The idea is that the elf has been sent by Santa to keep an extra special eye on the kid(s) to ensure that Santa has a full report of who is being naughty or nice. The link below explains it plainly:
http://www.elfontheshelf.com/content/about-us


I don't get why we focus the last 4-5 weeks leading into Christmas on forcing children to meet a standard of behaviour we don't expect of them otherwise the rest of the year.
Kids are going to act out more as Christmas approaches due to the stress they are picking up from us, because let's face it the majority of us are tight for money, then there is the stress of getting all the family together, the kids not being in school and being bored  because they are at home AND of course the excitement of Christmas in general.

So why do we draw a HUGE magnifying glass onto this period of time and bully are children into behaving so that Santa will come and therefore bribing them to behave.

The smart ones will figure out Santa will come regardless of behaviour in the long run anyhow.

And then there are the poor souls like my son, who suffer from impulse control issues from his ADHD and are already overly anxious because he feels incredibly badly when ever he fails to adhere to the social norms of the classroom.

Imagine what Elf on the Shelf does to children like my son.

Now take that into a kindergarten classroom.

Where he is daily struggling with following the routine and rules of the room.
And now he is being told that this stupid Elf is reporting back to Santa and telling Santa he is naughty and he isn't going to get anything for Christmas.  No the teachers won't say that, but they read the book to the class which implies the message.  It's the kids in his class who will.  They already tease and goad him about his behaviour, of course they why wouldn't they goad him with this too?

How fair is that?

And I am sure he isn't the only child in his class facing the same issues, BUT he is one of the kids in his class the others have targeted because he reacts every single time.

I am not okay with the Elf on the Shelf being placed in ANY classroom be it kindergarten, preschool etc.

What you do with your own children in your own homes is entirely up to you.  Don't force a group of 24+ kids to conform to one line of thinking.  Especially if it going to be detrimental to children's self esteem and cause them undue stress that wouldn't otherwise occur.

I don't think it's really set in

So it's been just over a week since the move.

It's been weird not working (I miss the kids), but at the same time I haven't had time to miss it a whole lot with unpacking, sorting, prepping for the garage sale, manning the garage sale and post garage sale etc.

Suffice to say I have been busy.

This also means I haven't really had much downtime to process me.  Figure that can wait till next week when William is in school. He doesn't need to see falling apart me.  He has enough to deal with as it is.

William is registered for school.  I think the hardest adjustment for him is going to be the 15-20 minute walk to and from school.  We are .2km short of him being able to be bused by the school and it would take us longer to take public transit then it would be to walk.

The house is in various states of unpacked/sorted/chaos.  Partly because we had to wait till Jen left for BC and took all her stuff with her and partly because now that Jen has left we can't do much as Mom is working and I don't know where stuff is supposed to go.

William's room is 95% complete.  His toy room is 80% complete mainly because there is spill over from unpacking (wheelie carts that have no home).  My room is 75% unpacked, mainly because I don't know where to put some of the stuff and I don't have a small desk yet for writing/the mini puter.

The front porch/basement are on hold because Mom is teaching all this week and the heavy lifter aka Dad is currently marathon driving across the country with my sister to BC.

The washer, the dishwasher and the ice maker all decided to die the day I moved in.
The ice maker and the washer were at least under warranty.  The dishwasher ended up being a $20 part replacement (thank goodness).  The ice maker has been repaired.  The washer, not so much.  Wednesday if we're lucky, Friday at the latest.  The sensors that tell it to stop filling and to start the next part of the cycle are pooched.

I continue to heal at a record rate.  2cm in the past week.  My nurse is suitably impressed.
I figure the huge lessening of stress has helped a bunch with the healing and that and my nurse lady is just awesome.  She is doing stuff for me that I know is definitely helping.

I miss all of you in Waterloo, and I suspect I will miss you more once I have less things to keep me busy all of the time.

Tomorrow I brave the new to me Orillia transit system (it runs till 1015pm and on Sundays now and there are 5 routes instead of 4!!)* with William so I can go buy him new indoor shoes and out door shoes as his current set are falling apart.



*the Orillia transit when I lived here last only had 4 routes and stopped at 6pm and only ran Monday to Saturday.  Saturday it ran hourly.

Not one of my best ideas

Though I have loved having the extra time with the children I care for, it is not advisable to work right up till your moving day when your job is home child care.

I would be understating things if I didn't say I wasn't crazily stressed on the packing end.

Though at this point I have resigned myself to the fact it isn't going the way I planned.  I can't fix it and for the love of all things shiny and pretty I am going out to dinner with my friends one last time tomorrow night even if I am not finished packing!!!

Reality is starting to sink in.

Tears are going to be shed tomorrow.

I can't believe that moving day is a mere two sleeps away.

I can't believe I am about to be unemployed in one sleep.

I can't believe my "kids" won't be coming here and I won't be here anymore!!!

I remember why I hate moving.

The chaos

and

The Good Byes.

The law, the parents and the provider -responsibility

It is not the law in Ontario that a home day care provider must be licensed.
I can tell you right now almost half of the unlicensed providers don't even know the details of the laws they should be following with regards to health and safety including the fact they can only have up to 5 children under the age of 10 in care.

They don't even have to follow the same Day Nurseries Act break down we licensed providers must follow (Our 5 children must break down as such: 5 children under 5, No more than 4 of 5 children under 4, no more than 3 of those children under 3 and no more than 2 under 2 and 1 under one).

I can walk through my neighbourhood tomorrow and come across some where around 25 home day cares that are not licensed and ALL of them are breaking the law in some way.
The majority of them being over ratio.

So this brings us to the very tragic death of a 2 year old girl in Vaughn in an unlicensed home child care where 20+ children were found in total on the premises as well as several health and safety code violations.

20+ children  of which the ages were of an average of 3 and under.

Complaints were lodged a number of time in the six months leading up to the incident against the home for over crowding and the Ministry of Education did nothing.
Which is wrong.

But as the same time seriously how did the parents not notice something was wrong??

Apparently the woman running the place wouldn't let the parents past the inside of the front door.

Again seriously people that is a HUGE red flag warning sign.  What is she hiding?? Also as a parent myself, I would be wondering WHY can't I go inside? I don't understand what she could have told these parents to convince them that they had no right, because they did.

Yet people still willingly chose to leave their children there.

I don't understand. How can you as a parent not want to see where and what your child is doing in another person's house whom you are not related to?

How could you blindly leave your child without first seeing the conditions they were spending the majority of their day in??

I am a home day care provider and my house is pretty much open to the day care parents, within reason of course. As far as I am concerned, anywhere the kids go, the parents can go too.

Too many times I have overhead conversations at the park/library/grocery store/sitting on the bus that we day care providers are greedy and over charging for the privilege of sticking the children in front of the tv so we can kick back and surf the net while the parents do the real work out in the real world.

Excuse me? I don't think so.
Sadly yes there is a small proportion of home day care providers who sadly do just that, stick the kid in front of the tv and do as they please.
But we can find in any profession people who are terrible at their jobs.
That doesn't mean the rest of us are like that.

What I don't get is how this ignorant subset of parents seem to think their children magically learn about colours, shapes, ABCs, numbers, sharing, feelings, manners, seasons, matching etc etc.
They (the parents) are at work all day and I highly doubt the first thing they do when they get home after work and picking up the kids from day care is sit down and teach any of these concepts to their child at the end of a busy work day with supper needing to be cooked, children fed, bathed and readied for bed, laundry, dishes etc etc etc

Good safe home day care providers provide safe, loving, nurturing homes where children thrive and learn.
This also applies to centres too.

So as tragic and heart wrenching as it is that this two year old died and the parents are suing the government and the home day care provider, they will have to live with the fact that they too are responsible.

Because they willingly ignored what was wrong in front of them and chose to claim they didn't know any better.

I cannot accept the response of "Well I didn't know any better."

Not when we live in the digital age where you can find ALL of the pertinent information about what is legal and not legal child care wise in this province with a few key strokes. Not to mention what to look for in regards to good, quality day care home based or centre based.  You can even call up the County or Region you live in and they will email/mail/direct you to the PDF or web page they ALL have on what to look for as well as lists of people/centres to check out.

If you are going to pay someone to be the care giver for your child, going with the person who charges the least just to save yourself a few dollars is not the best idea.

Especially if they are by far under cutting the average going price per a day.

How are they able to offer it for so little?

What corners are they cutting?

What are you not seeing or being told?

If you as a parent, don't take the time to educate yourself before looking for quality day care, be it home day care or a centre, then you are also to blame when something tragic occurs.

Because this is your child. Your blood. Your pride and joy.  They are worth every effort and time spent researching and seeking out the best day care you can afford to place them into while you are at work. For your piece of mind and for your child to grow and flourish as well.
So if this means you have to eat out less or give up something frivolous in order to get a better provider, than do it.  You won't EVER regret that decision.

This doesn't mean tragedy won't ever happen.  Unfortunately life isn't fair in how it operates so yes bad things can still happen to good people even when they do all the right things.

For now all you can do is educate yourself, know your rights, know your child's rights, know your provider's rights, ask questions and expect transparency when it comes to your child and the care they are receiving whether they are at a centre or in a home day care.

Hopefully the government will get off its ass and do something useful before more children die, but I wouldn't hold my breath.

The End of a Chapter

It's apparent if you are following along this blog that my life has unexpectedly had a hiccup or two lately.

One of those hiccups has led to the upcoming end of my seven years in home child care.

We have begun talking about moving and what that means so that the children aren't totally blindsided.
The 2 and nearly 3 year old don't quite get the concept of moving, but they know that they won't be coming here after we get to the star on the calendar.

Yes, we put a star on moving day, partly because my son wanted to signify the day some how and because I find visuals help immensely with children. They all know they will be going to someone else's house for day care.  I don't think they fully realize that it is for good this time, not like when I have gone away or had my surgery.

The nearly 4 year old, I suspect some of the grief he is causing his Mom at pick ups is related to processing the two massive changes about to come up in his life.  Firstly William and I moving, and we have become quite good friends with his family so see them a lot during non day care hours.  Secondly he starts JK in the fall.
Since his mom works near where I live, even if I had been staying and continuing work, in the fall he would have finished care with me anyway.
The one year old, well thankfully she is an easy going little girl so should make the transition to her new provider easily.

The 2 and almost 3 year olds are going to a provider I adore and am so pleased she could take over and continue what I started.

It's still rough.  They are like extended family, but closer.

William is taking it pretty well.  We have had a lot of transitionary children come and go these past two years.
He has also seen through the pictures some of the kids who were here a long time, but left just as he was born or  a year or two afterwards.
He is sad.  He will miss the current day care crew dearly, but the concept of moving isn't new to him.
He still calls the house on the corner Christof's old house and they haven't lived there in 2.5 years and he talks about how Emily (was in care with me from 21 months till she moved) moved to England and that's coming up on 2 years in October.

I started working on the project I making for kids good bye gifts.

Seven years is a long time and for chunks of that time most of the children I have looked after have been with me 2-3 years.
There are a lot of awesome pictures and memories.
I can't imagine what I am going to be like on the last day of work if I was already bawling as I put the pieces of the project together.

It will be very very weird not working from home.  Next to working at Swiss Chalet through high school and college, home day care is the longest I have ever worked at a single job.
Yes I worked in child care centres for 5 years leading up to working from home, but for 1-2 year stints at each place.

It's the end of a chapter.  The beginning of the new chapter is some what frightening, but also exciting.

The sadness of leaving those behind that I love and cherish will fade, but the memories created will always remain.
Also I will be visiting from time to time and with luck we will be able to see everyone I hope.

It is going to be a very hard two days on the 15th and 16th.
It will likely be harder then the move itself.

Parenting through a Separation

Can't say as I have any real experience here.

I literally feel like I can barely keep my head above water between trying to field questions from William, work, recovering from surgery, packing and trying to sell what we can't take with us.

William has many many questions.

I don't have the answers.  Nor can I honestly answer most.

He desperately keeps asking me "Why can't daddy just pay attention and do what he is supposed to do and listen to you so you can stay together?" "Why can't he do things now instead of later?"

To clarify, this stems from him over hearing his father and I arguing.

Most of the time we are arguing about the fact that his father refuses to manage and learn to cope with his ADHD (diagnosed 8 years ago).

So there is a lot of dialogue that includes things along the lines of the following: "Why aren't you listening to me?" "Were you not paying attention at all?" "Why do you never do what you say you are going to do?" "No you are going to do it now, because later never comes with you!"

I glossed over that answer.  I don't know why his Dad isn't willing to put us first and work on coping with his mental disorder so that we could have stayed together as a family. I have been asking that for three or four years now. 

I focused on the fact that Daddy and I spend a lot of the time arguing and yelling and that isn't fun for any of us.  That it is Daddy and I who are the problem, not him.

I talked about the fact that we are still a family, but our family is changing so that we live apart from each other.

I pointed out the numerous people he knows who have Moms and Dads who don't live together which helped a lot.

I have ordered some books from Chapters to help.  Three story books, one you can watch on youtube:

http://youtu.be/AqMf6feCy7s (Thanks Kada!) called Mom and Dad Glue.  Then one called Two Homes and another called My Family's Changing.

I am hoping they can answer the questions I am struggling to answer benignly so that he doesn't know how hurt, frustrated and angry I am with his father.

Not all Home Day Cares are Evil

So recently here in KW a woman was charged with poisoning children in her care when she ran an unlicensed home day care.
article: http://www.therecord.com/news-story/3903862-two-children-allegedly-poisoned-kitchener-daycare-owner-charged/

This has led to a lot of comments in various groups I follow and even things said in people I know Facebook statuses, twitter feeds, google+ etc.
Derogatory comments about how horrible home day cares are and how could parents be so stupid to use them.

Now that being said a significantly smaller handful have pointed out that this is the reason why LICENSED home day cares are very important and that parents really need to stop skimping out and pay the extra money for a LICENSED provider.

Don't get me wrong, being licensed does not guarantee nothing will ever happen, but just as many things go wrong in licensed centres.
It is the unfortunate reality of our world.  Nothing is perfect.

I do take offence to everyone who has made derogatory comments against home day care providers.

One idiot psycho's actions does not give you the right to paint the rest of us with the same brush.

I am for licensing of all home day cares.  Too many people push the boundaries with unlicensed day cares, especially with regards to ratio.

The legislation on home day care is kinda useless in explaining how it deals with unlicensed child care.
How I understand it is, that it is not illegal to run an unlicensed home day care until something goes wrong.
Which is my opinion is wrong.  It should just be not allowed.

This is not to say all unlicensed home child cares are bad.  I know several wonderful providers, but I know just as many terrible, I can't believe people leave their children with them, providers.

Being licensed, I am monitored monthly.  I have to maintain the safety standards outlined by the Day Nursery Act.  I am required to fill out and keep an on going daily log book of everything that happens in my care.  So every time your child falls down and it leaves a mark or was a bad enough I feel it warrants being written down, I write it down.
I write down when a child arrives with bruises, scratches etc.
Why? Because then it is documented that those didn't happen at my house.
I took a school kid for back up once whom I picked up from school, who had scratched his knees there and I didn't write it down.
He then told his mom after she picked him up the cat that hid behind the couch the whole day scratched him.  This led to a battle in them trying to force me to keep my cats locked up.  I told them they could fire me, but I wasn't locking up the cats that weren't in the presence of the children that day at all and weren't responsible.
All because a 6 year old lied to his mother.
So from that point on I have always recored when a child comes with a mark on them that did not occur here.
This is called covering my ass in layman's terms.

Because we live in a world of paranoia.

Which is why it pisses me off so many of my friends and their friends have jumped on the band wagon that all home day care is evil in light of the recent reports in the news.
Because by making those comments you are directly insulting me and disrespecting me and painting me as a horrible, irresponsible person who doesn't have a fucking clue what they are doing.

I unlike most home day care providers am a Registered Early Childhood Educator.  This means I have my Early Childhood Education diploma and I am registered with the College of Early Childhood Educators.
This means I have taken classes in child development, curriculum planning, the Day Nursery Act and so forth.

The fact is most home day care providers have little to no training with regards to children.  The Licensed providers are at least given manuals to read and guidelines to follow and both the Region and Wee Watch provide example activities etc to do with the children.
Licensed providers have undergone both a Family and Children Services check as well as a Police check.
They must have the First Aid and CPR up to date.
They have set guidelines for meals and snacks, mandatory outside time and some basic guidelines for curriculum planning and child development.

Unlicensed providers don't have to do any of those things or learn any of those things  if they don't want to.  They can stick your child in front of the tv and do nothing with them all day.  They can also feed them anything they want and not have to provide balanced meals and nutritious snacks.

They have no one checking up on them and no one to hold them accountable.

And that is why I think home child care should be licensed.

But it won't happen.

Time and time again over the years children have died in unlicensed settings and the legislation remains the same.

Why?  Because neither provincial or the federal government want to deal with it.  They do not want to invest the time or money in to coming up with a policy or legislation that mandates all home day cares must be licensed and what that would look like.

You want to point fingers, then point them at the politicians who continue to allow unlicensed child care to unregulated and children to suffer.

Looks Like I am going to see another sunrise

Sleep hasn't been my friend lately.

Partly because it is incredibly uncomfortable post tailbone cyst surgery.

It is also in part because I can't shut my brain off.

Tonight didn't help with the thunder storms. I forgot how they set off my anxiety when I am entirely alone and it is night.

I know I have done nothing wrong, but I can't help how I feel.

Some small part of me had hoped that maybe this time would be different.

That he would want to put the work into making lasting change. Even if it would be slow going.
That he wanted to be a participating member in our relationship.

That he would fight for me.
Want to fight for me.

<this is my most recent livejournal entry. I think this one is okay to post here too>


I knew he wouldn't. Deep down I was not surprised in the least that he would continue on in the usual pattern. Nine years of almost no growth or lasting change with regards to our relationship made it pretty easy to predict.

But some tiny small part of me held onto a grain of hope that maybe this time would be different.

It is really really hard to fight that voice of self doubt that sneaks up and whispers that I am just not good enough.

Rationally I know that isn't the case. Except feelings aren't rational.
Love isn't rational.

This isn't what I wanted.

This wasn't what I dreamed.

But this is my reality.

After the past couple of days I have come to realize my heart broke a long time ago.
But it was easier to pretend.
Easier to keep hoping that he might prove me wrong.
That he did want to be in a relationship with me.
Because other wise I am alone.

No one wants to be alone.

I know that I am not really alone. I have learned just how an amazing group of friends I do have. I cannot put into words just how awesome and wonderful you all are.

I know it will be weird not seeing you all as much as I do once I move, but not to worry. I will visit. In some ways it has come full circle. I visited Waterloo regularly for a year once a month before I moved here. I don't expect to be able to maintain that regular a frequency past December, but as long as I have to bring William to KW to visit his father, I will try to get a visit in here or there too.
I also know I won't be alone in Orillia.
I will have my family. I have friends who I still talk to via the Internets.

I need to take care of me.
For too long I have been holding the pieces of me together while I took care of everything else.
And now I am crumbling at a rapid pace.
I just keep pulling it together, because I can't fall apart right yet. I made it this far, I can wait a little while longer.

In the mean time I fail to sleep. Instead I cry. My brain tortures me of replaying the past years with "what if"
and if it isn't playing "what if" I am plagued by nightmares from my past. Doesn't shock me, they have always crept up when I am under a lot of stress and when sleep is lacking.

It's like the lack of sleep invites the demons in.

I know I have been locking the comments to my entries of late.
The reason for that is right now I don't really need feed back. I just need to vent.
I just need to write my feelings somewhere.
I know people read the journal, and that is enough.
I have too much anger to discuss things sensibly.
It just leads to ranting.
And it isn't helping.

People used to tease Andrew about being bitter when we first started dating. It was a running joke carried over from the Ottawa crowd I think.
A few years ago I made a comment about the fact that Andrew was no longer bitter because I had taken it all.
They thought I was joking.
I wasn't.

I didn't want to become a statistic.
I didn't want a broken family for my son.
But I can't fix it. I can't be a parent to my spouse.
I can't be the one who does all the changing.

All my life I have been told I had to change.
Always something wasn't good enough.
I was too quiet.
I talked too much.
I had a temper.
I expressed my opinion too much.
I should try to fit in with everyone else.
I should be more like my sister.

No one really wanted me to be me.

Having to always apologize even when I wasn't the one who needed to apologize.

I am not apologizing this time. I tried. I was patient. I tried changing me and the only thing that worked was the thing that I loathed the most.
Parenting one's life partner is really not very attractive or appealing long term.

I gave up so many of my dreams over the past seven years.

Now I don't know what my dreams are anymore.

I don't have one anymore. I have become so lost.

A little shell shocked

So the lovely nurse lady came to change my dressing and check on things.

So I may be in less pain.  The cyst that was removed however was not all that much smaller then the first one.
It is a mere 2cm smaller.

So she has already put an order in for a Vac --negative pressure machine that speeds up healing in deep wounds.

That was not what I was expecting.

So here I was thinking I would be all healed by the beginning of September at the latest and I am looking at possibly October again.

:S

Pilonidal Cyst Removal Take 2

Well I had a lot of anxiety about being put under the anesthetic today.
The powers that be saw fit to have a different approach given to me so that I didn't have to have the same issues last time with the nausea and dizziness post surgery.

Everything went well.

They did a spinal anesthetic with a mild sedative to relax me.  Very surreal.  I was in that state of sleep where you can here everything going on around you but you are asleep.
Also I couldn't feel anything from the waist down.

The surgery took a mere 45 minutes instead of the nearly 2.5 hours the first one took (first surgery was August 12, 2011).
I was moved to recovery within 30 minutes of being brought out of surgery.  I was longer in recovery because I had to prove I could walk and pee without falling on my face.

The feeling coming back to my waist down was really really surreal.
Take that feeling you get when you have a cavity filled, magnify it by a thousand and then apply to your lower body.

It ranks second as the weirdest sensation I have every encountered to my body, bumping giving birth to third, and my knee sloshing post knee surgery holds number one.

Pain wise.
I gave up the Percocept about two hours ago (10pm).  The headache with each pill at each four hour mark was intensifying.  Besides I am in so little pain in comparison to the first surgery that I keep wondering if I had surgery at all.  It is slightly more painful then having a cyst drained, but that is easily managed by extra strength tylenol and the fact I have an incredibly high threshold for pain.

With luck since I was immediately referred back to my surgeon after the first sign of infection in the cyst area that we got it and it WON'T COME BACK this time.
In my drug muddled sleep I heard him comment about how insignificant this cyst was when compared to the first.

Unfortunately I have to have nurses come to me.  CACC has since moved from their central Kitchener location to the boonies out near Fairview Park Mall AND shortened their hours meaning I would have to stop working at 4pm in order to go to the clinic and only if I had a ride every time.
Well that isn't going to work for 2 of 4 childrens' schedule in my care.  Here is hoping they have gotten some more competent nurses with regards to pilonidal wound care in the past two years.

All in all I feel miles better already.  I was pretty sure I was days away from another flare up.  So relieved to have it done and over with.

Now to give my self a few days to heal and begin the tedious process of calling the million people whom need calling with regards to address changes etc.  In a week's time I will begin the process of packing more and sorting and selling more day care stuff.
Moving day is only a month and a bit away.

Public Statement

So that everyone is aware, William and myself are moving to Orillia on August 17, 2013.
We are moving in with my parents.

Andrew is staying in Waterloo to finish school.

This is occurring because Andrew and I are separating.

For those of you are close to us, this probably doesn't shock you as it has been pretty apparent that things have been difficult.

If you want to know more details you can contact -call/email/pm etc which ever one of us you are more comfortable talking to and we will explain the why.

I am hoping this helps with the awkward pauses that keep happening every time I have to answer the question why I am moving.

Will Andrew and I get back together.  I don't know.  There is a lot that needs to happen before that is even a consideration.

Am I continuing to work in home day care?  No.

I have missed the boat on getting hired in the first round of hiring of ECEs for up north and for Waterloo Region.
I am going to get on the supply lists of the centres in the Orillia area.

Then I am going to figure out from there if I want to continue in this vein of working with children or if physically it is time to move on.  My shoulder and wrist have definitely made work these past few months difficult.  Come on I am sporting the most oddest of tans because up until 1.5 weeks ago I was wearing my wrist brace all the time outside.

Children and harnesses/leashes

I came across a debate in a forum I frequent from time to time about children and the use of harness/leashes.

Once long ago I maintained I would never ever harness/leash my child.  I would not belittle them in such a fashion.

Then I found myself at the Mariposa Folk Festival 2010 in Orillia during its 50th anniversary celebration with my 22 month old son.
I nearly had a panic attack as he darted in and around the hundreds of people during the Friday night events.  He was so excited and wanted to see EVERYTHING and I could barely keep up for the number of people.
Now I had been to the Festival three years in a row leading up to that year and never had I seen numbers like that for a Friday night.
It made me worry about the numbers on Saturday.
After the millionth panic attack that night I looked at my Mom and said before we come back in the morning we have to go get a back pack harness.

Now I had seen leashes/harnesses around.  I knew they existed.  A friend of mine had a monkey backpack for her daughter.  It was great because it also helped ground her when she started to get antsy (she has Autism Spectrum Disorder) in an unfamiliar setting or large group.  So I knew I could get something that wasn't blatantly a leash.

So Saturday morning my parents made a run out to Walmart and got a Monkey backpack.  He wore it all weekend willingly.  When we were at base camp (main chair sitting area for the evening concert) and the children's area I would tuck the tail into the back pack pocket and he would look like he was wearing a regular back pack.

So what I learned is yes there is a time and a place for harnesses.

I still really really dislike the ones that go around the wrist or look very much like the harness that you would put on a dog or cat. I think it is really a personal preference that I would rather it is less obvious and more appropriate for the wearer.

I do not believe leash/harnesses should be used every day when going for walks, going grocery shopping etc.
If your child is too young to know enough to stay near you in those settings then they shouldn't be walking without holding your hand or in a stroller/cart.

I say this with full confidence as someone who walks 6 children to and from school of which 4 of those children are under the age of 4 and only one of them is in a stroller.
It takes a lot of work to help the children get the idea of staying with the group.  All of them know that we must stay as a group in the parking lot, that they may stray a head a couple of feet on the side walk and if they don't adhere to these rules that they will have to hold my hand/the side of the stroller the entire walk including at the school yard while waiting for the buzzer to go.
Really it goes back to the advice I gave in regards to tantrums.

Consistency is key.

Children can be taught at a young age that parking lots, roads etc are not appropriate places to play and that it is very much NOT funny to try and run out into one even if it is just to Mom or Dad.

Long long ago I did back up care for a child who used to escape from his mother's grasp on purpose and run around.  Including in the parking lot.  And instead of being stern and making it clear as she chased and caught him this wasn't acceptable, she laughed!

This drove me nuts, because not only was this totally unsafe (I did witness him nearly get run over) she was reinforcing it!

Mixed messages are the worst... and a rant I could easily go on at length about so I will save it for another day.

In conclusion, I stand by my opinion that leash/harnesses have their place, but should not be relied upon as the sole way to keep your child with you when out and about.

And I leave you with the tidbit that my son has made us take his monkey places (Conventions, Air Show, Zoo, CNE, trips to the local childrens' MUSEUM etc).  Sometimes he just wears it like a back pack and sometimes he has even made us hold on to him(taken the tail out of the pocket and put it into our hands).
He is going on 5 years old.  He says it makes him feel safe and he likes his Monkey friend and doesn't want him to be left out.
Really who am I to argue with that kind of logic?

The tail bone of cyst removal Take Two

Two years ago in August 2010 I had the first pilonidal cyst removed.  It was supposed to be all gone and unfortunately nearly two year's later it decided to return.

So I go get the cyst o'Doom removed on July 11 2013.

Hopefully because it is smaller and taken care of much sooner then the 6+ years leading up to the last surgery my healing time will be faster (8-10 weeks versus the 14-21 weeks without the Vac from last time around).
Hopefully I won't need a Vac (negative pressure machine to increase healing).

It sucks because it is smack dab in the middle of summer. The other date given me was while William was still in school which though ideal because he is at school, less ideal when I have to be the one to at least get him from school as Andrew is in finals mode for thesis defence.

I am hoping to put William into summer camp for the two weeks following my surgery as it is a 8am-5pm drop off/pick up Andrew can do that and still get a full day's work in.

This means there will be no splash parks or swimming for me after the 11th of July and pretty much the rest of the summer. Which royally sucks. But since I have no idea where we will be moving to at the end of August it had to be done.
This makes me very glad that I got the nifty sprinkler thingie for the front yard for the day care crew.  It will be tricky keeping me from getting too wet, but basically I have to keep the dressing area dry.  My front is okay to get wet.
It also means the week before my surgery I am definitely taking the kids to the Splash pad as a field trip.

I am relieved and terrified. Relieved it is being dealt with in a timely fashion this time.
Terrified of surgery -I had a horrible time post surgery with the anaesthetic and Percocept which meant I suffered pain wise for the first week because I chose to be in pain instead of sick and in pain.

Terrified I might have a flare up with this hot humid weather before surgery.
Terrified with every twinge of pain or itch in the area that I might face draining before surgery.

I am also a little frustrated because it was supposed to be done and gone last time.
Unfortunately I fall into the 25% who have a reoccurrence post surgery.

Sigh.

Dr. Saunders looked at it, said it is significantly smaller then the previous one.
Says I was right, surgery at this point is my only option because they just keep coming back.

Here's hoping this time is the last time.

What to do about tantrums? (It's a long post, you've been warned).

What do you do about tantrums question has been asked a lot lately from both friends, family and parents of the children I care for.

My own son still throws a tantrum on occasion, it sucks.  Especially when he does it out in public.
It's every parent's nightmare.
People without kids, you cannot judge us.  Parents who are fortunate enough to have children who have not yet thrown a tantrum you cannot judge either.

Tantrums happen.  It is not a reflection of how good you are as a parent.

What do you do about them?

Well once it's happening?  Not much you can do, but wait them out.  Reasoning with a child in the middle of the thralls of a tantrum is like beating your head off a wall.

At that point you are moving them to a quieter place and essentially ignoring them till they calm down or picking them up and carrying them out and leaving.

Just be firm and clear about what is happening and that you do not like their choice of behaviour.  If you are waiting them out decide how long you are going to wait before you pick them up and leave.

If you tell them you will take them home and they stop, but start up the moment you try to go to the next part of your journey it is probably best to leave then.  It rarely gets better.

The reminder for the child when the rise of a wail that precipitates a tantrum starts is for the child to try to do the following:

Stop
Breathe
Think

(Thanks Blues Clues for this awesome simple 3 step concept).

Sometimes it will divert the tantrum to a good cry/calming down and everything moves along more smoothly.
Other times the tantrum will still occur.

Some ways to avoid tantrums is to pay attention to when they are occurring and try to pin point the why and avoid those triggers.

Tantrums (though rare) occur at my house the most often when the children are tired, not feeling well, it's almost lunch/snack time or right before nap time.

Grumpy, tired, hungry toddlers = a powder keg of tantrum waiting to happen

Another reason for tantrums (can start anywhere from 18 months to school aged) is the age of independence.

The I want to do things myself, no wait I still want you to do it for me/be with me stage.

Being consistent is the only thing I can tell you with regards to this phase.  Offer choices when you can and follow through with what ever you have committed to or said you are going to do.

Consistency is key.

I can't stress that enough.  Regardless of what you choose to do with tantrums, behaviour management etc be consistent.
Nothing confuses a child more then mixed messages.

Oh and any time a significant change occurs in a child's life can also trigger a cycle of tantrums.  Especially if there is a lot of stress or emotional turmoil occurring during the changes.
When stress and high emotions are present the tantrums are reactionary.  They know something isn't okay and they can't verbalize it so they tantrum.

What do I do when the day care children/my son tantrums?

Well at home if they are just having a good crying/scream/yelling fit they are moved to the book centre (has lots of comfy pillows and stuffies and blankets in it) to calm down. They can look at books, snuggle with stuffies or just sit there, what ever they choose.
Once calm we talk about what happened and what we can do next time.

If they are kicking/throwing/hitting etc then they go to the "time out" corner --I will get back to time out and what that looks like here later.
They are place there because there is nothing there they can throw and the child is away from the rest of the group enough that they can't harm anyone.
I stay close, but not so close they feel like I am hovering (basically just making sure they hang out there and aren't hurting themselves either -fortunately on the toddler end I haven't had to worry about anyone hurting themselves).

The important part is that once the child is calm you talk to them about what led up to the tantrum (whether it was cleaning up, getting ready for bed etc), how they were feeling and what they could try to do next time.
They still have to do what ever the request was (with support) -so pick up the toys or get dressed for bed.

Here we have been really working through that it is okay to feel angry/frustrated/sad BUT it is not okay to hurt others, our selves or toys when we are feeling angry, frustrated or sad.
The Stop, Breathe, Think, is working well for the every day frustrations that comes with sharing, turn taking and invading personal space --all common things with children ages 1-3.5 years of age.
We read the book The Way I Feel by Janan Cain at least once a week as a reinforcer for helping recognize and identify our feelings.  We talk about how we feel, what makes us feel happy, sad etc and when a problem occurs like a child grabbing a toy from another child we talk through how everyone is feeling.  "It's frustrating having to wait your turn, but X was using the toy first. Y is sad that you took the toy from him X.  Please give it back to Y.  While you are waiting, what can we find to play with X (redirection)?"
We work on apologies as well, but teaching them that apologizing needs to be meaningful, not just a phrase we say is a challenge. So I focus more on teaching empathy when they are really young and as they get older bring in the concept of saying sorry and why it needs to mean something because just saying your sorry doesn't make your behaviour/choices okay or mean you can do what you want and just say sorry to make it better.

Time out.  Does it work?
There are lots in both camps of the yes it works use it! to the it's the most horrid thing in the world why are you doing it?

Well it depends on how you are using it and how you define it.

I define it as time away from the group to calm down.  Meaning I use it pretty much only when emotions are running really high.

I use Time out for three things:
 -the kicking/hitting/throwing yourself around tantrums
-running around out of control (typically happens at transition like clean up time before lunch or nap)
-if a child kick/hit/bites etc another child or me.

They are never there more then a minute per the child's age.  So if you are two years old your time out is never longer then two minutes unless you are still having a tantrum and well then I am just waiting you out till you calm down, because nothing I say or do will bring you out of it.  I will occasionally remind the child to Stop, Breathe and Think or to take big breathes to help calm down, but till the child is calm there is no point in talking to them.
They WILL NOT hear you. Rather they will hear you, but they won't reciprocate or engage in meaningful conversation.

Personally I find redirection and occasionally the loss of toy privileges for the day far more effective to constantly being sent to time out for the wrong behaviour.
It also means the child is learning better strategies if they are still involved in the process then constantly being sent to sit in the corner.

And yes I have had a child manage to work their way through every toy bin (there are 12 as well as the fisher price farm/houses, puzzles, books and the drama centre) and be limited to just books and puzzles by the end of the day.

The next day though, the child made better choices.  A simple reminder when the child started to engage in the negative behaviour of "Please build with the lego. Remember when you didn't stop throwing the lego yesterday you weren't able to play with it anymore" as they started to throw it again resulted in the child stopping and changing what he was doing.

Learning from your mistakes is what real life is all about.
In real life we want our children to step back when they are feeling really emotional, regroup and approach the problem or situation calmly.

We also want them to grow up learning feelings are normal and acceptable.  And how to recognize what they are feeling and how to deal with them in an effective and appropriate way within society.

So how do you avoid your child melting down in public?

First make sure when going out that they are recently fed, it is not near nap time and you are not rushing or stressed yourself.

What if it happens anyway?  They don't want to leave or they want x, y or z?

Do not bribe them.

Why?

Bribing does not work long term.  Also ask yourself this: What behaviour are you really reinforcing  in your child when you offer a bribe to your child when they are having a tantrum or about to tantrum?

By bribing the child when they tantrum they will learn to expect something from you every time they start to tantrum and then when you don't follow through they will just throw the tantrum anyway.

So you have options, as they start spiralling from whining to a tantrum.

1.With our son we were clear that this behaviour wasn't acceptable.  That if he didn't take time to calm down and had a tantrum we would leave immediately and he wouldn't be able to come with us next time (shopping/friend's house) or it would be a long time before we went to where ever we were (park/museum/swimming etc).

Realize this was really hard for us to follow through because we don't drive and early on there was no CarShare so it sucked when I had to walk away from a cart full of groceries and take my melting down child through the mall to the bus stop and then on the bus home.  Or take the bus all the way home from the park or swimplex etc. which included a 10-15 minute walk to said bus stop.
Thankfully he got the message quickly.

He rarely tantrums in public now and if he does generally tiredness or hunger played a factor.

2.You can sometimes use humor to break them out of the spiral into a tantrum.
For our son I tell him that if he is going to tantrum in public I expect him to do it right which includes laying on the floor kicking and screaming and that I am going to stand by and cheer.
Almost every time that makes him stop and giggle.  We talk about how he is feeling and what choices he has and what would be the best or right choice to make.

Find something that works for your child on the humor end and use it.

It's not a guarantee to work every time, but there is no definite tantrum buster.

3.As they get older you can also point out the obvious.

Holiday Monday we were making the long drive back from Ottawa to home.
At 8pm we stopped for coffee at Tim Hortons and to get William to change into a pull up (in case he fell asleep and peed).  My husband doesn't deal with the tantrums as well as I do.
I cringed as I heard my son start tantruming in the Men's washroom and I was in the women's.

He was tired, his Dad was tired, he didn't want the pull up and well instead of just putting it on him my husband tried to reason him into it.  Well it spiraled quickly from there and now Andrew had to wrestle him into the pull up.
He was still screaming bloody murder when Andrew dragged him out 10 minutes later.  Andrew went and got our drinks as the line was very long and I sat at a table with William standing (refused to sit) in the corner by the other chair.

I leaned over to him and said "William for someone who says he doesn't  like having people staring at him and laughing at him your behaviour has everyone in the place staring at you and some of them are laughing and some of them are probably thinking that you aren't making the best choice for a kindergarten kid."

He immediately stopped looked around, saw that I was right, everyone was in fact staring at him and a few were smirking.  He sat down, I gave him another minute or two to regroup and then we talked about his behaviour and choices.

When Andrew arrived with our drinks and we consulted the internets for traffic reports and William unprompted apologized to his Dad for his choices in the bathroom and told his Dad what he will try to do next time.

4.We emphasize (as does the kindergarten teachers in his school) about making the right choice.  That everything is a choice.  And choices have consequences regardless of whether it is the right or wrong choice.
Here we also work on the "good idea" or "bad idea" philosophy.
When they are about to make a choice I know is going to end poorly for them I ask them to "Please stop and think if what they are choosing to do is a good idea or a bad idea."
90% of the time they make the right choice and tell me why it is the right choice.

Feel free to ask more questions, share your experiences and ideas.  I am always looking for more ways to divert children from tantrums.

No matter what you choose to do I reiterate:  Consistency is key.

Me and my Pain -for some this maybe TMI

See me and pain have had an odd relationship from the very beginning.

I have a very high threshold for tolerating pain.

It's the only explanation my family doctor could come up with when I was seven years old and we found out six weeks after the fact that I had fractured my collarbone.

I also rendered a doctor speechless in the Orillia hospital ER when I was 9 when I told him I walked a block home on my ankle  that until he had seen the x-rays he was sure I had broken given the swelling and discoloration.

I still have no idea how or when I broke the baby finger on my right hand.  I know I broke it, it should not go out on the strange angle that it does.  I noticed in my teens, was told they could rebreak it and set it or leave it as it wasn't causing any issues.  If I had known years later I was going to learn ASL I might have reconsidered declining getting it rebroken to fix it.

Over the years this has led me to categorizing my pain into the following two groups:

Annoying -sometimes Tyelnol/Advil takes the edge off, but otherwise the pain is there, constant, but I can block it out as long as I keep focused on something.  And at the end of the day it hits me like a ton of bricks.

Agony:  I can barely move for pain.  Only heavy duty drugs even come close to taking an edge off and I can't work.  I am more or less incapacitated.  *though I have worked while in the low end of Agony before

I have taught myself probably starting around my mid to late teens how to block out pain in my body through meditation and sheer willpower.  I was fed up with missing out on things because of the pain.

This is a both a boon and a blessing.  The problem with ignoring the pain is that it means I can miss things like how serious I have injured myself at the time (it can be hours to a full day later), not noticing I have a sinus/throat infection till it is really bad and it is how I missed all the signs for a pilonidal cyst flare up resulting in it needing draining (4 times).


I have suffered from ovarian cysts since I was 14 years old.  I was formally diagnosed at 15.
Most of the time the pain I suffer falls into the annoying category.  Over the years at least once a year it flares up into the Agony levels and I make a trip to the ER/Clinic.

I can't remember not being in pain from my womanly cycles through most of my teens and early 20's.  Every once in awhile I would get a reprieve because a birth control pill would work for about 3-5 months and then we would be back to the usual pain most of the month and agony while I menstruated and the fun of guessing how many days my cycle would be each month (even while on the pill).

Being pregnant was a blessing in that regard. No pain for the 8.5 months of pregnancy!  Same for the following 6 months after I gave birth.  Then my cycle returned and I was just in agony when I menstruated.
I got another year after before the irregularities started up.  Another 6 months later and the pain returned to being prevalent 60-90% of each month.  Always at what I classify as the annoying levels  (except during menstruation).
In September my gynecologist finally conceded that yes I in fact do have endometriosis (I have been telling her since she took me on as a patient in 2006 that I was diagnosed with it at 16 by my family doctor).

At least one day (can be more) in my five to seven day "that time of the month" will end up being what I call a "tv day at work" day.  Meaning I will stick a Signing Time DVD in or Peep in the Big Wide World, or something from Netflix -Blue's Clues or Super Why! on in the background.  The children will sit and watch it or play with the toys.  We might get coloring out, but I am pretty much not moving except to help washroom routine, diapering and getting snack/lunch.
This happens because I am in that much pain that it is either do that or not work.
If I don't work I don't get paid.  The kids are actually pretty good about it.  They will bring things to me to play with them, or bring me many stories etc.  It also means on those kind of days we spend a short time outside (sometimes only the school walks) which I try to make up for on the better days.

It was a whole lot better when I could take ASA and Ibprofen, but last spring I had a severe allergic reaction to prescription Naproxen resulting in my inability to take them anymore.

Acetaminophen works okay.  I take extra strength Tylenol and it will generally take the edge off, but for the most part I am always in pain.  Anything stronger (T3's etc) make me non functional to work.

Last week when the pain reached Agony levels that scared the crap out of me because suddenly I am doubled over with no warning nearly screaming, while outside with three children 3 years old and younger waiting for a nearly 12 year old autistic child's bus and I am now seeing black spots suffice to say I called my home visitor for help.
My supervisor and home visitor were here within 9 minutes of my call.  I had managed to get the kids inside after the bus arrived.  The deep breathing technique I learned from meditation is what kept me conscious and sheer determination to not fall over in front of the children.  The three year old and the two year old knew I wasn't okay.  They did their best to do everything I asked, including helping me get the 1 year old undressed and bringing me the portable phone so I could call Andrew. The autistic child was blissfully unaware.
Then I turned on the tv to treehouse and sat and didn't move until we left for the Urgent Care Clinic.  Why not the ER?  Because I didn't feel like sitting for 6-7 hours for them to rule out that it was not my appendix (my pain is prevalent more on the right most of the time) and then maybe give me something for the pain.
I lucked out at the clinic and for once I got a doctor who listened, was knowledgable in my issues and then poked, prodded, made to contort myself in very painful positions to determine for sure that no I did not need to go to the ER (it was not my gall bladder, appendix, hernia), that yes I was probably right that it was the cysts and the endometriosis.
I was given Tylenol 3's once he learned of my issue with ASA and ibprofen and sent me for an Ultra sound.
I took the T3's Thursday afternoon to Friday evening.  Then I stopped.  Because they made me so nauseous and dizzy coupled with a migraine headache and did nothing for the pain I was already in.  Seemed kind of pointless to take something that wasn't helping, made me feel worse not to mention they kinda make me a zombie and I don't sleep.

I am in low levels of Agony still.  Extra Strength Tylenol keeps it toward more Annoying then Agony, but it means I spend all my energy blocking the pain while I am working that by the time we get to dinner time I am done.  I just want to curl up with a heating pad/hot pack/climb into the tub and not move.

I am really really really really good at looking like I am okay and am fine despite being in copious amounts of pain.  I have learned how to fake it well over the years.

So when I don't look okay and I say it is because I am in pain, it says a lot about the amount of pain I am in.

I do have options.  Unfortunately NONE of them can be utilized while  I am trying to conceive another child.

I am beginning to wonder if I am going to be able to have another child from my body.

I get my results from the clinic on Saturday (they have actually had them since Tuesday, but I wasn't taking a day off to get them).
I see my gynecologist on the 18th.

Till then I fight through the pain and move forward best I can and hope we succeed at making a baby.

Disappointed

So at William's request we put him into the Parks and Recreation Ballet class through the City of Waterloo this winter.

I know that it is only a parks and rec program, but still there is an awful lot of standing around and not doing much by BOTH instructors.  Two instructors for 7 children ages 4-5.

I was there the first class.  The entire group demonstrated they understood the concept of going from corner to corner when it came to moving across the floor.
So it is not necessary to have one stand with the group and another stand at the far corner that is marked with a star.  Especially when only 2 of 7 children are doing anything remotely close to what they were asked.
One of the teachers should be going across the floor with them and making sure they are actually trying to do what they are asked and to attempt doing it oppose to just running across the floor.

Also I have a HUGE issue with the music selection.  It is entirely geared toward girls and girls only.  I mean come on one of the songs tonight at the Open House was about "how to be a princess"

Boys dance too.  Actually the brother to one of the girls in the class was shocked when he realized William was in the class not just joining in the warm up for fun.  That can also be said for almost all the parents there.
How they missed the fact there was a boy in the class is beyond me.  He kinda sticks out amongst the sea of pink and skirts.

If I had the money and a car, I would put him in a real dance class where he might actually learn how to do what he is mimicking.

Come on, it took me a minute to teach William how to gallop on the way home from the class and I was just parroting what I remembered from my own dance class 30 years ago and what I saw over the years I volunteered for JMC.

Yes I did fill out the course evaluation for the program.  It just so disappointing that the city of Waterloo clearly hired people who have created a program solely geared toward girls instead of all children ages 4-5.  The best they offer for "co-ed" classes is a Combo Dance (Jazz, Ballet and creative movement) not offered at the Albert McCormrick Community Centre location and a Hip Hop that isn't available to children under age 7.

I can say William wasn't the worst, but nor was he all that great.  He could have done much better if he had actually received any real instruction beyond "Look at me, Do what I am doing. Okay now you do it by yourself."
He was also the only one taking the "class" for the first time.  The rest of the class had either taken it the session before or were in the Creative movement class the session before.  I would put him in the Creative movement class if it weren't for the fact it is at 5:35pm and my last child leaves at 5:30pm.

Another Gaming Achievement Unlocked!

One year.

As of this past night I have been a Story Teller for Waterloo by Night for a full year.

There are times where it still feels surreal.  That I am one of the Story Tellers for WBN.

It has been a learning experience.  Overall the positives out weigh the negatives by far.
Looking back I don't regret making the change from player to ST.
I have learned a lot and I can say that I am marginally better at combat. And not afraid to go look stuff up or ask for help.

I have made mistakes and learned from them.

I am not afraid to admit when I am wrong.  I am also not afraid to back down when I know I am right.

I think people forget that Story Telling isn't just about the players and what they want.  Oh yes that plays a big factor, but I have to also enjoy what I am doing too.  Otherwise why bother doing the job in the first place?  So getting the game heading in a direction that both the players and myself and the ST team like has been the toughest challenge faced over the year.

I like the direction the game is going and I like to think the players on a whole do too.

I wish the team was a little larger, but that will come with time.
We have a new member stepping up in the Spring.

It still amuses me that eleven and half years ago I was a non gamer, very inexperienced geeky girl who had never heard of larp, let alone whitewolf and vampire. And look at me now!

On the whole LARP has helped me grow as a person.  I got over my fear of speaking in front of people.  I found like minded people to socialize and have fun with.

I met my best friend and co ST here.

I met the love of my life who is now my husband here.

After game, on the ride home, one of the new players paid me the highest compliment I could hope for.

She thanked me for running the game and for being so patient, helpful and welcoming and that she had so much fun.

She commented that things are very different from the other games she experienced and that she was so surprised at how friendly, helpful and nice we all are.

So players of WBN I would also like to thank you all for being so awesome, open, helpful and friendly.
Because in my eleven and half years of playing/STing, I can tell you that hasn't always been the atmosphere and feeling this game has exuded.

Yes there have been hiccups in my time as ST.  Yes there has been politics, but we are a game 40+ people big and no matter how hard I and my co STs try we will never ever please everyone and I can live with that.  It's a reality whether I am looking at the game or my life.

Here's hoping to more fun and wondrous things to come!

The Sad State of Society and Dolls 2

Thank you all for the advice for boy doll clothing.  It is much appreciated.

I never would have thought about looking at Build a Bear.  Etsy and ebay hadn't crossed my mind.

Also thank you to everyone who pointed out there are some products out there that are in fact boy dolls and clothes.

Unfortunately I have yet to find anything mainstream that ships to Canada and doesn't cost $50+ dollars in terms of dolls.

Cabbage patch kids sorta meet the criteria.  They do have boy dolls, but they rarely sell boy doll clothes AND unless you can find the baby versions they don't look a whole lot like a real baby.

Also I am glad to know that there are parents and friends out there who played with dolls without issue as children and are letting their kids also play with dolls without issue.  I just wish we were the majority instead of the minority.

What still bothers me is that I can't just walk into a toy store and find boy related doll paraphernalia, dolls or clothes.  I have to look to the internet, possibly pay through the nose for shipping and wait up to months for something.

Yes I have learned I can find boy stuff for dolls and boy dolls (anatomically correct even!), but I can't acquire it easily or inexpensively.

And that is a sad sad reality.

For those of you who asked for measurements and a picture to help aid in knitting or sewing doll clothes here they are as follows (You are getting everything and the kitchen sink here because I have no idea what people need):

Head circumference: 13.5 inches
Neck: 8.5 inches
Waist: 12 inches --the doll has no hips
Base of neck to waist from back: 4.25 inches
Back of neck to waist from the front: 5inches
Base of neck to bum from back: 7 inches
Base of neck to bum from front: 7 inches
Inseam (Crotch to ankle): 5 inches
Chest (going under the arms): 12 inches
Shoulder to shoulder from the back: 5.5 inches
Shoulder to shoulder from the front: 5.5 inches
Wrist to armpit: 4 inches
Wrist to shoulder: 5inches
From head to toe approximately: 15 inches

I am very very thankful for all the offers.  I am a beginner sewer and my husband isn't sure he is up to the task of trying to sew small things.  I am a intermediate knitter so once I get some patterns I will be able to make some stuff as well.

My son has asked for clothes that are black (his favourite colour), green, purple (plum colour) and red.

Sad State of Dolls and Society

Seriously are we so backwards and archaic in our thinking that we only offer dolls dressed in bright pink and purple and mainly dresses?

Because we expect only girls to play with them?  And why do we expect girls to only want girl dolls?


My son asked for a real baby for Christmas.  Of course we explained why Santa cannot deliver and does not deliver such gifts.

So he asked for a doll.  I asked him if he had a preference for a boy or girl and he said a boy and it had to look like a little baby and he didn't want "fake stringy hair" bald or bumpy hair (molded plastic) were okay.
My son really wants to be a big brother.  He really wants a baby sibling (he doesn't care whether the baby is a boy or a girl because he understands that you don't get to pick that when growing a baby).

However given the choice in a doll he wanted a boy baby he could pretend to be a daddy for or the big brother for.
This should have been a simple request to fill.

His grandparents decided they would get him a baby doll for Christmas.

My mom and sister spent a lot of time combing stores trying to find a doll that met his requests.
They were faced with wall after wall of shelves covered in pink and purple.
Eventually they settled on a doll that looked like a newborn baby that was dressed in a sleeper over a dress.
That was the other thing.  Most of the dolls were not only dressed in pink or purple but also wearing dresses.
AND all of the accessories were pink.  Pink toys, pink dishes, pink cribs, car seats, strollers, miniature pack and plays etc.

My son was pleased with his doll.  Though disappointed that the doll was dressed in a purple with pink and green polka dot sleeper.  He wanted a doll wearing black or green or even just purple.  He doesn't really care for pink except for accessories.  He owns a pair of pink mitts and at one point pink fuzzy socks.  His current mitts are purple "girl" mitts.  They are girl mitts only because that was how the store had sorted them.  At a glance no one would know that they were supposed to be for girls only.

Gramma promised to take him to try and find some boy clothes and barring that she would make his baby (named Owen after his cousin) some boy clothes.

Well the stores disappointed.  So Gramma is planning on making baby Owen some black, green, orange and blue themed clothes (as requested by my son).

I have spent the better part of an hour combing websites of well known toy stores and many many websites looking for doll clothes that are gender neutral or suited for a boy doll.

Not only can I not find any, I can't find any boy dolls that can be purchased from Canadian sites.  I found one that looks like his doll except the clothes are blue on the US Toys R Us website (http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=3252893)
Otherwise the only toy boy dolls I found were cloth and don't look anything like a newborn baby.

Searching for dolls clothes was even sadder.  Searching boy doll clothes was beyond sad.

If the site had anything for boys it was almost always army or community helper related, maybe a handful of shirts and pants that might total 6-8 items on a single page.  Meanwhile the girl section has pages and pages and pages of outfits.
Not to mention the only site that had any selection it became clear the clothes were meant for display dolls, not for play AND cost as much as $25 per an outfit.

I can buy my son an outfit for that price.

Seriously what message are we sending our children with this singular thinking?  What message are we sending our girls and boys?

In a world that is supposed to be about equal opportunity for both genders we still teach at a young age that only girls care for the children and boys are sissys or wimps or being girly for wanting a doll.

Apparently it is okay to be an involved Dad as a grown up, but it isn't okay for our sons to  mimic their Dads by wanting to take care of a baby of their own.

It saddens me that I am going to have to prep my son for the inevitable day when he is "Special me" in his class and wants to take his doll for his special show and tell item that there will be children who tease him.
Tease him for no better reason then their parents have a twisted view on the world. Because being a boy and wanting a doll just isn't acceptable for some senseless reason other then some stupid group of people decided that a boy must be gay if he wants to play with dolls.
Too bad that has nothing to do with being gay AND there is nothing wrong with being gay if the kid were to choose that life path.

Except the real reason any kid wants a doll is to care, nurture and love something of their very own.  To mimic their parents and for the want of a younger sibling they don't have.
And in today's society if you are a boy and want those things it is considered wrong.

My son wants to write a letter to the toy people to complain about the lack of boy dolls and boy doll things.
I don't even know who to begin with.

So tomorrow we are going to measure his doll and see if we can find some baby clothes from the thrift store to dress his baby in until I can get a pattern book for knitting that I can then knit the clothes to the colours he wants.
He has also asked me to knit his baby a rainbow blanket.