What to do about tantrums? (It's a long post, you've been warned).

What do you do about tantrums question has been asked a lot lately from both friends, family and parents of the children I care for.

My own son still throws a tantrum on occasion, it sucks.  Especially when he does it out in public.
It's every parent's nightmare.
People without kids, you cannot judge us.  Parents who are fortunate enough to have children who have not yet thrown a tantrum you cannot judge either.

Tantrums happen.  It is not a reflection of how good you are as a parent.

What do you do about them?

Well once it's happening?  Not much you can do, but wait them out.  Reasoning with a child in the middle of the thralls of a tantrum is like beating your head off a wall.

At that point you are moving them to a quieter place and essentially ignoring them till they calm down or picking them up and carrying them out and leaving.

Just be firm and clear about what is happening and that you do not like their choice of behaviour.  If you are waiting them out decide how long you are going to wait before you pick them up and leave.

If you tell them you will take them home and they stop, but start up the moment you try to go to the next part of your journey it is probably best to leave then.  It rarely gets better.

The reminder for the child when the rise of a wail that precipitates a tantrum starts is for the child to try to do the following:

Stop
Breathe
Think

(Thanks Blues Clues for this awesome simple 3 step concept).

Sometimes it will divert the tantrum to a good cry/calming down and everything moves along more smoothly.
Other times the tantrum will still occur.

Some ways to avoid tantrums is to pay attention to when they are occurring and try to pin point the why and avoid those triggers.

Tantrums (though rare) occur at my house the most often when the children are tired, not feeling well, it's almost lunch/snack time or right before nap time.

Grumpy, tired, hungry toddlers = a powder keg of tantrum waiting to happen

Another reason for tantrums (can start anywhere from 18 months to school aged) is the age of independence.

The I want to do things myself, no wait I still want you to do it for me/be with me stage.

Being consistent is the only thing I can tell you with regards to this phase.  Offer choices when you can and follow through with what ever you have committed to or said you are going to do.

Consistency is key.

I can't stress that enough.  Regardless of what you choose to do with tantrums, behaviour management etc be consistent.
Nothing confuses a child more then mixed messages.

Oh and any time a significant change occurs in a child's life can also trigger a cycle of tantrums.  Especially if there is a lot of stress or emotional turmoil occurring during the changes.
When stress and high emotions are present the tantrums are reactionary.  They know something isn't okay and they can't verbalize it so they tantrum.

What do I do when the day care children/my son tantrums?

Well at home if they are just having a good crying/scream/yelling fit they are moved to the book centre (has lots of comfy pillows and stuffies and blankets in it) to calm down. They can look at books, snuggle with stuffies or just sit there, what ever they choose.
Once calm we talk about what happened and what we can do next time.

If they are kicking/throwing/hitting etc then they go to the "time out" corner --I will get back to time out and what that looks like here later.
They are place there because there is nothing there they can throw and the child is away from the rest of the group enough that they can't harm anyone.
I stay close, but not so close they feel like I am hovering (basically just making sure they hang out there and aren't hurting themselves either -fortunately on the toddler end I haven't had to worry about anyone hurting themselves).

The important part is that once the child is calm you talk to them about what led up to the tantrum (whether it was cleaning up, getting ready for bed etc), how they were feeling and what they could try to do next time.
They still have to do what ever the request was (with support) -so pick up the toys or get dressed for bed.

Here we have been really working through that it is okay to feel angry/frustrated/sad BUT it is not okay to hurt others, our selves or toys when we are feeling angry, frustrated or sad.
The Stop, Breathe, Think, is working well for the every day frustrations that comes with sharing, turn taking and invading personal space --all common things with children ages 1-3.5 years of age.
We read the book The Way I Feel by Janan Cain at least once a week as a reinforcer for helping recognize and identify our feelings.  We talk about how we feel, what makes us feel happy, sad etc and when a problem occurs like a child grabbing a toy from another child we talk through how everyone is feeling.  "It's frustrating having to wait your turn, but X was using the toy first. Y is sad that you took the toy from him X.  Please give it back to Y.  While you are waiting, what can we find to play with X (redirection)?"
We work on apologies as well, but teaching them that apologizing needs to be meaningful, not just a phrase we say is a challenge. So I focus more on teaching empathy when they are really young and as they get older bring in the concept of saying sorry and why it needs to mean something because just saying your sorry doesn't make your behaviour/choices okay or mean you can do what you want and just say sorry to make it better.

Time out.  Does it work?
There are lots in both camps of the yes it works use it! to the it's the most horrid thing in the world why are you doing it?

Well it depends on how you are using it and how you define it.

I define it as time away from the group to calm down.  Meaning I use it pretty much only when emotions are running really high.

I use Time out for three things:
 -the kicking/hitting/throwing yourself around tantrums
-running around out of control (typically happens at transition like clean up time before lunch or nap)
-if a child kick/hit/bites etc another child or me.

They are never there more then a minute per the child's age.  So if you are two years old your time out is never longer then two minutes unless you are still having a tantrum and well then I am just waiting you out till you calm down, because nothing I say or do will bring you out of it.  I will occasionally remind the child to Stop, Breathe and Think or to take big breathes to help calm down, but till the child is calm there is no point in talking to them.
They WILL NOT hear you. Rather they will hear you, but they won't reciprocate or engage in meaningful conversation.

Personally I find redirection and occasionally the loss of toy privileges for the day far more effective to constantly being sent to time out for the wrong behaviour.
It also means the child is learning better strategies if they are still involved in the process then constantly being sent to sit in the corner.

And yes I have had a child manage to work their way through every toy bin (there are 12 as well as the fisher price farm/houses, puzzles, books and the drama centre) and be limited to just books and puzzles by the end of the day.

The next day though, the child made better choices.  A simple reminder when the child started to engage in the negative behaviour of "Please build with the lego. Remember when you didn't stop throwing the lego yesterday you weren't able to play with it anymore" as they started to throw it again resulted in the child stopping and changing what he was doing.

Learning from your mistakes is what real life is all about.
In real life we want our children to step back when they are feeling really emotional, regroup and approach the problem or situation calmly.

We also want them to grow up learning feelings are normal and acceptable.  And how to recognize what they are feeling and how to deal with them in an effective and appropriate way within society.

So how do you avoid your child melting down in public?

First make sure when going out that they are recently fed, it is not near nap time and you are not rushing or stressed yourself.

What if it happens anyway?  They don't want to leave or they want x, y or z?

Do not bribe them.

Why?

Bribing does not work long term.  Also ask yourself this: What behaviour are you really reinforcing  in your child when you offer a bribe to your child when they are having a tantrum or about to tantrum?

By bribing the child when they tantrum they will learn to expect something from you every time they start to tantrum and then when you don't follow through they will just throw the tantrum anyway.

So you have options, as they start spiralling from whining to a tantrum.

1.With our son we were clear that this behaviour wasn't acceptable.  That if he didn't take time to calm down and had a tantrum we would leave immediately and he wouldn't be able to come with us next time (shopping/friend's house) or it would be a long time before we went to where ever we were (park/museum/swimming etc).

Realize this was really hard for us to follow through because we don't drive and early on there was no CarShare so it sucked when I had to walk away from a cart full of groceries and take my melting down child through the mall to the bus stop and then on the bus home.  Or take the bus all the way home from the park or swimplex etc. which included a 10-15 minute walk to said bus stop.
Thankfully he got the message quickly.

He rarely tantrums in public now and if he does generally tiredness or hunger played a factor.

2.You can sometimes use humor to break them out of the spiral into a tantrum.
For our son I tell him that if he is going to tantrum in public I expect him to do it right which includes laying on the floor kicking and screaming and that I am going to stand by and cheer.
Almost every time that makes him stop and giggle.  We talk about how he is feeling and what choices he has and what would be the best or right choice to make.

Find something that works for your child on the humor end and use it.

It's not a guarantee to work every time, but there is no definite tantrum buster.

3.As they get older you can also point out the obvious.

Holiday Monday we were making the long drive back from Ottawa to home.
At 8pm we stopped for coffee at Tim Hortons and to get William to change into a pull up (in case he fell asleep and peed).  My husband doesn't deal with the tantrums as well as I do.
I cringed as I heard my son start tantruming in the Men's washroom and I was in the women's.

He was tired, his Dad was tired, he didn't want the pull up and well instead of just putting it on him my husband tried to reason him into it.  Well it spiraled quickly from there and now Andrew had to wrestle him into the pull up.
He was still screaming bloody murder when Andrew dragged him out 10 minutes later.  Andrew went and got our drinks as the line was very long and I sat at a table with William standing (refused to sit) in the corner by the other chair.

I leaned over to him and said "William for someone who says he doesn't  like having people staring at him and laughing at him your behaviour has everyone in the place staring at you and some of them are laughing and some of them are probably thinking that you aren't making the best choice for a kindergarten kid."

He immediately stopped looked around, saw that I was right, everyone was in fact staring at him and a few were smirking.  He sat down, I gave him another minute or two to regroup and then we talked about his behaviour and choices.

When Andrew arrived with our drinks and we consulted the internets for traffic reports and William unprompted apologized to his Dad for his choices in the bathroom and told his Dad what he will try to do next time.

4.We emphasize (as does the kindergarten teachers in his school) about making the right choice.  That everything is a choice.  And choices have consequences regardless of whether it is the right or wrong choice.
Here we also work on the "good idea" or "bad idea" philosophy.
When they are about to make a choice I know is going to end poorly for them I ask them to "Please stop and think if what they are choosing to do is a good idea or a bad idea."
90% of the time they make the right choice and tell me why it is the right choice.

Feel free to ask more questions, share your experiences and ideas.  I am always looking for more ways to divert children from tantrums.

No matter what you choose to do I reiterate:  Consistency is key.