Seriously Parents Give Your Heads A Shake

This post has been inspired by this:http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/free-range-parents-plan-to-file-lawsuit-after-police-pick-up-children/2015/04/14/ed4f7658-e2b7-11e4-b510-962fcfabc310_story.html

I'd like to say that this state's mindset is far and few between, but it isn't.

I can remember when I was in Waterloo listening to parents go on about how they couldn't let their 8+ year olds walk the 2-3 blocks alone because "they might be kidnapped or molested."

I can remember the very same parents also claim that the following:

1. Our society is scarier than when we were young/our own parents were young

2. The pedophiles are more plentiful than they were a couple of decades ago

3. That kidnapping by a stranger is the most common form of kidnapping.

Alas none of those statements are true.

On point number one, we are actually safer because we KNOW what to look out for.
And on the whole we don't need to worry too much as long as we teach our children how to be safe when on their own.
NOT terrified of strangers.

On point number two, again no it isn't that there is more, it's that we are aware of them, they get charged and placed on a Sex Offenders list now.  Back even 10 years ago incidents like that were hush hushed and brushed aside.  It's only because victims started taking a stand that things changed.
Also sexual abuse most commonly happens between people who are known to the child, not a complete stranger.  Someone with a position of power and trust over a child who can be easily manipulated.  I know that if my parents had talked to us and had the dialogue I had with my son, we would have said something when we were abused by a then family friend 28 years ago.
It was something that was talked about.  People didn't know how.  And that is how pedophiles got away with it for so long.

Point number three...  http://www.canadasmissing.ca/pubs/fac-ren-2014-eng.htm
When looking at the second chart, the kidnapping of a child by someone known to the child is nearly 10 times higher than the number of children kidnapped by a stranger.
I am not sure what an accidental kidnapping is, but it warrants higher numbers than kidnapped by stranger and behind that is abducted by a parent. The most common cause of missing children in Canada is wandered off.
** I was told on a public Canadian parenting forum that I lived in a bubble and was lying to myself because strangers kidnapped kids and killed/abused them daily.  That I had no statistical proof.  The same "parent" then had me banned from the forum after I posted the above link and demanded politely she show her proof for her "claimed statistics."  Apparently she was friends with the moderator of the group.

I have lost count the number of times children were yelled at by their parents for talking to me when I was at the park with 4-6 children depending on the time of day.

The day that took the cake for me was when the girl (6 years old) fell on the monkey bars, hit her head, and I rushed to help her because her mother was too busy chasing after the girl's brother (3 years of age who was ignoring his mother and she was making a game out of getting him to come back instead of making it clear it was not okay to go running off, especially toward the Spring swollen creek) came back and screamed at me for talking and touching her child.  I explained the child had fallen and hit her head and I was seeing if she was alright.  Not once did she stop to ask her daughter if she was alright or if she was hurt.  Instead she told me to "Not f*cking ever touch her daughter," then grabbed her daughter's hand and dragged her home.

What did the parent think I was going to do?  Molest her child in plain sight in front of 8 children and two other adults present?  Kidnap her child along with the 5 already in my care that day?
Seriously.

There are people on parenting forums who are APPALLED that I let my 6 year old son go the the public bathroom by himself.  He's 6, he doesn't want to go to the "girls bathroom."  He knows that he has a certain amount of time before I am coming in after him.  He knows if someone tries to do anything to him that he is to "freak out" and be as loud as possible.

These people are also APPALLED I let my 6 year old play unsupervised in the fenced in back yard of my house.
I played unsupervised in my UNFENCED backyard when I was his age.  We were allowed to go play at the school park when I was 7 unsupervised, though I will admit it was probably because my Mom could see the school yard from our back yard, but still it only takes seconds for something to happen.

Heck these same people would probably have a heart attack if they knew that I used to let my son when he was 2, 3 and 4 years of age when we lived in Waterloo, play in the tiny fenced in, childproof back yard on his own.  He thought he was on his own.  He never clued in that when he was outside I was sitting on the couch beside the sliding glass door to outside keeping an eye on him.
He didn't gain the privilege of playing with his sidewalk toys (Cozy Coupe, trike etc) unsupervised till he was 4.  And he lost that privilege for  two weeks after the third day because he went outside of his boundaries.  After that there was never an issue.

When it comes to public places, my son already has a healthy understanding of what it feels like to get separated in a large crowded place.
He was 3 turning 4 when we went to the Science Centre with friends.
He got ahead of us in the one area, not realizing we had all stopped to look at something.  Now we had already discussed other times what to do.
The first thing he did was come back to the last place we all were, which happened to be where we all were.  He came back about a minute after we realized he wasn't with the group.  I saw him come running through the crowd with a look of sheer terror.
I calmed him down and then we discussed what he did right.
We also reiterated to him that if we hadn't been there he was to stay put because we would come find him.

Present day, this is still the strategy we use, except if we are at something like Canada Day, Ad Astra, Mariposa Folk Festival, we have taught him to look for the Information Desk/Table or the First Aid Tent.  Both places have people who can help him find his Dad or I.

He still doesn't know our phone number.  He struggles with memorizing numbers, however he knows our address here and both his Dad's and my full names as well as his Grandma and Grandpa's full names on both sides of the family.

Now since he can shut down and stop talking when really upset and overwhelmed, when we were at Ad Astra, they gave him a weekend pass card on a lanyard.  On the back I wrote my name and cell number so that if he got lost, couldn't find the Information Desk or designated safe people (friends who I had identified for him who had ways to contact me) he could go to the hotel lobby and show it to someone at the desk.

It made him feel safe.  It helped with his anxiety about getting separated from me.  And he also had confidence in the fact we had a plan and HE knew what to do if anything happened.
It was him who pointed out to ME that he would always be able to find the Information Table because they had put colour coded tape on the floor to help people traverse through the vast space and maze of the hotel.  He knew he had to follow the blue tape and by that point he knew all the volunteers at the Information Desk because he liked to stop and talk with them.

This is what street proofing your child should look like.

Yes he knows not to take anything from strangers, not to go with anyone he wasn't given permission to by me or his Dad.  We've even role played scenarios to help him.  He's been taught it is perfectly fine to talk with strangers at the park etc.  That it is okay to give his name, but not our address.  Safe topics with strangers are things like, weather, how are you to day? etc.

At what point does "protecting" our children become overkill?

Are we now saying our parents and grandparents were horrible, terrible parents because they let us play outside on our own, walk to the park on our own, walk to school more than 1km on our own, go to our friends on our own all without the "security blanket" of a cell phone that didn't exist back than?
Are they terrible horrible parents because it was okay for strangers or other kids parents to tell us to behave when we were caught doing something we KNEW we shouldn't be doing?
Instead parents ignore the issue and go after the strangers/parents for harassing their son/daughter.


William already knows he will not be getting a cell phone till he is in his teens.  He will likely have some form of tablet-like thing when he gets to be a preteen, but he doesn't need a phone.

It scares me the number of websites that have tracking apps for parents to spy on their children etc.
How will these children and young adults ever learn about trust --including who to trust?
I'd be really worried about what led these children/young adults to believe they can just do what they want regardless of boundaries and rules set out.  Perhaps not enough appropriate consequences or follow through on the parents' part?
Oh there will always be the exception to the rule.  That's just how life works, but the majority, no we don't need to be tracking their every single move.

The younger children are taught to take responsibility for their actions and themselves, the better off they will be throughout life.

People UNDER estimate the abilities of children at almost every age.
We need to raise our expectations on some levels, not lower them.
Especially with regards to respect, empathy and self sufficiency.

Unexpected Sadness

My Grandmother suffered from Dementia.  She's been holding steady for awhile with regards to her memory not getting worse.  She always remembered who my son was, who my Mom was, on some occasions she would mistake me for either my Mom or my Aunt.

We saw her last week.  She looked a little tired, and it was the first time we had to tell her who William was, but as soon as we did she lit up like a candle.

Sunday my Mom got a call letting her know that Grandma wasn't eating or drinking.  She couldn't get over because Dad had to come and collect me and William from the convention he and I attended this weekend.
However no one was declaring any doom and gloom at that point.
So this morning when the call came through from the nursing home asking us about palliative care and if we wanted to book the room to stay over night all we had to do was call etc we were all thrown for a loop.  We rushed over.

She looked like a shadow of the woman we visited last week.  As William aptly put it, she looked like a leaf all dried and shriveled up.
William stayed long enough to squeeze her hand and and say hi.  I couldn't blame him. She didn't look much like Great Grandma.  He and I went down to the Cafe area while Mom and Dad sat with Grandma.

We stayed for almost an hour and then we came home (partly because I had nothing to occupy William) and to eat, rest etc.

At 2:40pm we got the call to come, things were dire.  We arrived.  I set William up in the tv lounge down the hall from my grandmother's room.

A lady who works with my grandmother, also a lady I worked with for several years back when we both worked for Swiss Chalet, Karen, was sitting holding my grandmother's hand.  Making sure that she wouldn't be alone if we didn't get there in time.  For that, I cannot ever thank her enough.

Grandma was still with us when we arrived.  We just sat and talked to her telling her we were there.    It was okay.  She wasn't alone and it was okay to go.  We held her hands.

After a bit I kissed her on the forehead and left to go sit with William.

A little while later Grandma left to be with her family on the Other Side.

It happened that quick.

Grandma always said she didn't want to linger when the time came.

My Grandma taught me so many things over the years.

She was the one who taught me how to follow a knitting pattern, how to sew things together, shared her love of books, Coca Cola, Chocolate, window shopping, baking and gardening.
She taught me that love knows no boundaries.  It's where I get my loyal to a fault and too trusting nature from.
We always looked for the best in everyone.

She loved all of us.

I can still hear her laugh.  I always loved to hear her laugh.

I am so glad William was able to know her and that she was able to know him.

I am so glad that she went with most of her memory intact.  She left knowing who we were and that we loved her.

We will be having a Celebration of Life in the future once Jennifer is back in the province.
Details will be posted eventually.

Don't take your loved ones for granted.  You cannot assume they will always be there just because they seem healthy.

Love and Light

Olga McHugh 

(Great) Gramma "Q"

March 4, 1932- April 13, 2015

It's Not Your Child, It's Mine

To the Parent at my son's Parks and Recreation Program,

I am trying my hardest not to single out your child with regards to mine.  It's not that she is doing anything wrong for a child her age.

It's my son I am worried about.  See with his ADHD he doesn't deal to well with others getting right into his space, especially his face (yes I know he gets into others space from time to time, trust me this is an improvement from how he used to be). He also doesn't deal well when someone gets right in his face and is loud.

Your child seems to see something in my child that she likes.
Which is cool.

The challenge is that my son doesn't see age.  He is going on 7 and your child is 4.

Socially, they are not at the same level solely because of their ages.

He sees someone getting into his space and yelling/just being loud really close to him and it causes him to become anxious.  He doesn't get why she doesn't stay back when he says stop or why she doesn't get he doesn't find her copying him funny.

Unfortunately when he was in school he had classmates who copied him on purpose to get him mad so he sees it as her teasing him, not her copying him because she thinks he is funny and neat.

I try to redirect my son for her safety, not because she is the problem.  She is there learning too.  She is there to learn how to work in a group, respect her peers and follow instructions all the while having fun.

My son is there too, for similar reasons.  Just if he falls apart it can go poorly for everyone.

On an excellent day he will remove himself when he feels overwhelmed, use his words and ask the teacher/adult for help.

On a good day, like today, he needs a little support and we can redirect him and get him to stay close to the teacher when he struggles to explain her closeness and loudness are troubling him.

On a middling/okay day, he might have a yelling and crying melt down.  Need a break from the group and then return without any issue.

On a bad day he could haul off and smack your child before any of us realize it's about to happen.

And ultimately it's your child getting hurt that I am worried about, not her behaviour.

So remember I am not passing judgement on your parenting or your child's behaviour when I try to redirect my son away from your child, I am just trying to keep what can sometimes be a ticking time bomb from going off.

Sincerely,

The Parent with the ADHD child