Depression isn't just sadness

For those of you who haven't been following along I was diagnosed with severe Depression, severe Anxiety and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder in late February.

Of those three mental illnesses, the only one I was aware I had was the Depression.

In light of Robin Williams losing his battle with his Depression, A LOT of postings, comments, articles etc have circulated about Depression and some of them not really explaining Depression for what it really is.

It is more than sadness.  AND he lost his battle with his mental illness.  He didn't choose to kill himself anymore than a person chooses to have a heart attack.  Unfortunately treatment wasn't enough and my heart and prayers go to his wife and children.

Depression is like all the colour has been sucked of the world, a weight dropped on you, a voice of self doubt/loathing/all things negative sits in the back of your head making quips about your choices/lack of choices etc. It is all encompassing and it is entirely internal.  Oh yes there are physical manifestations from the Depression, but it starts from within.

I often refer to it as falling down the Well of dark and despair.  The further down you fall the harder it is to see the glimmer of light above -hope.

It is a circle of self defeating behaviour that even when you know what to look for can be hidden quite well.

I can tell you that only those who were given the privilege of reading my LiveJournal knew I suffered from Depression.  To everyone else, I was this up beat, always smiling, always happy person.

It was the face I showed the world despite the fact I was falling apart piece by piece on the inside.

And even those who could read my LiveJournal weren't always privy to the worst posts.  The posts I deleted after writing because I didn't want to worry anyone with how bad I was feeling.
Because I was afraid of losing the thing I hold most dear to me, my son, if anyone read what I wrote and decided I wasn't a fit parent because I was broken.

All of the posts I deleted were dialogues about me working through whether or not I should take my own life.

To the LiveJournal whole of you I said the only reason, and I maintain that still to be true looking back, that I am here today is because of my son.

The only thing I wanted to be in the entire world growing up was a Mom.  So the thought of walking away and him living a life without me was near impossible.
Though in the darkest of moments even that wasn't enough to stave off such thoughts of ending my life.
Not because I wanted to leave him, or any of you, but because it was the only way I could get away from the Darkness and Despair.

I know now that some amount of my issues played a part in the failing of my marriage, it wasn't the only thing, but it did factor in.

This is why I had to move home.  This is why I am in counselling.  This is why I am taking an antidepressant that I laughingly refer to as my "happy pill."

This does not mean my struggle is over.  Even with an antidepressant I struggle some times for a moment, maybe a day to as much as a week. But I am where I can ask for help if I need it and I have a sense of moving up and forward instead of stagnant and downward.

I am still hesitant to jump into the social realm of things.  It is an overwhelming prospect at times.
And I find myself at times holding people at arms length when I don't need to.

It's hard to let people in when you aren't okay and still learning how to be okay.

I don't know if I will ever be totally okay, but I know that I am in a better place then I was even a year ago.

That is good enough for me for the moment.