Angry

No I am not going to be happy that my asshole brother is now doing stuff with our father.

Suddenly Mom is dead and he can have Dad over for dinner once a week?

Seriously?

He couldn't be bothered to see Mom before she got sick either time. He only showed up when he thought she was dying. And then she did.

So no I am not going to be happy that he's making an effort now.

My Mom died not knowing her second grandson. A grandson who wouldn't have recognized her in any way. That Mom met maybe all of 6 times in 7 years.

Why does he get lauded for being there now when he wasn't there when it mattered?

Why the hell does NO ONE call him out on the bull shit he has pulled for years, decades even.
He just gets excused.

Fuck that.

I will not be there at Christmas if he is present (immediate family). I won't stay quiet.

After the near death and the fall Mom was hurt that both my aunt (her sister) and my brother only visited when they thought she was dying.
There wasn't even a phone call when she got home on the 9th of December.

She said she didn't care that they were there when she was dying, where were they when it mattered. When she could see them? Talk to them?

I called my Aunt and brother out back in October.
Guess who hasn't been acknowledged in any way with regards to my Mom's death. They've said stuff Dad and my sister. Nothing to me.

Not surprised. Seriously it took everything in me at dinner to not rip Jen a new one when she commented to William that Friday she and Dad were going to his Uncle's place for dinner.
Because guess who got to deal with the hurt and angry almost 12 year old that we weren't invited and why hadn't they visited Grandma and Grandpa when Grandma was alive??

Chris is NOT my son's uncle. He is NOT my brother in any way.

I am so fucking tired of everyone praising the asshole and pretend he didn't ignore our parents for 14 years.

Hello Anger my not so old friend, F*ck Off!

I can't get rid of the anger. It started back in June when all the garbage went down with regards to William acting like a kid and half my cousins and uncles freaking out.

I don't think it was new anger, just rekindling of the frustration of not being validated in how I feel and my son or myself being made out to be the villain.
As much as my cousin wants me to come to Christmas/Boxing Day. I don't think I can.

The anger has continued to snow ball as everything went down with regards to my mother and her health.

She is fine. Missing from below her knee of her left foot, but she is a live. Tentative return to home is December 9th, 16th at the latest.

Guess who hasn't shown up since she was released from the ICU 4 weeks ago?
Yup, my Mom's sister and my asshole brother.

You know now that we need actual support and help with Mom coming home. Now that my Mom needs people around her as she learns to cope with the loss of her foot and how that will impact her for the rest of her life.

I told my Mom about me calling the two of them out and yelling at them.
She told me she was glad. Because it actually doesn't make her feel better knowing they were there when they thought she was dying. She'd rather they were here, now, helping when it is hard.
To her my Aunt being there is hazy. She only knew her son had been there because we told her.
The Social worker and OT and Home Care liaison person were shocked to learn that my parents have another kid who is relatively close by as they hadn't heard of him at all.

My sister has called from time to time to get a report, but now that Mom is fully functional mentally she just calls to talk to Mom when Dad is there with his cell phone.
Mom's home coming is contingent on two things. First her being strong enough to stand on her good leg so she can transfer herself in a pinch to the commode and back to the bed. Second the equipment from the hospital is available and the PSW care in place.


I don't know how to get rid of this anger. I can't sleep. I am so tense. When I do sleep I am plagued by PTSD related nightmares or nightmares of James or William dying.
I think about the holidays and seeing my brother at the Hare functions as well as his little following and I want to break things.
Heck just seeing my sister in law on tv talking about the high school strike/ work to rule action makes me want to throw things at the tv (shes the Ontario Teacher Federation Union rep. Or every time I think about how they claim we are the one's who don't see them yet they have without fail cancelled EVERY holiday type function my parents have set up whether I was going to be present or not.
They "claim" they can't visit because of my brother's work. Yet they regularly drive to Gravenhurst (so right through Orillia) to visit my sister in law's brother's family.
...
It makes me angry that they haven't even gotten my parents so much as a Christmas card in over 13 years yet they still expect gifts etc.

So angry.

This is not normal, but I can't seem to resolve the anger.

This is not as simple as "letting it go" or "forgiving and forgetting" --I will never forgive my sister in law for what she has done to my family. I will never forgive my brother for the mental, emotional and physical abuse he has incurred to me, my son or my parents.

I am sick and tired of people parroting at me that I just need to "let it go."

Also I know the anger isn't entirely from the family issues, but being triggered or inflamed further by those issues.

So angry I physically hurt and have also been physically ill.

Seriously, if I could not feel this way, I would have by now. I'd really rather not have what feels like a constant ball of burning rage in my chest that explodes without warning and I hear myself saying things to the people I love who are closest to me that should never be said. Because I can't be the person they think I am if I feel this way. Good people don't feel this rage. I feel like they would be better off without me. Not dead, just no me in their lives, ghosting.

It's gotten to the point that I am not going out except for work and Scouting because I am afraid I may rip someone's head off and they didn't do anything wrong.
I am terrified of what damage I am doing to my back molars because I find myself grinding and clenching my teeth during waking hours and I know I am grinding or clenching them when I sleep due to the pain in my jaw in the morning.

Unless I find private counselling -which I have no coverage for, I am on the never ending wait list for individual counseling at our doctor's office. Basically if I am not self-harming, suicidal etc I am just supposed to utilize the drop in counseling on Thursday mornings from 9:00am to 11:30am
And I am not guaranteed to see the same person twice. Which makes it hard for me to feel safe etc with regards to my anxiety.

I can't go to the farm on Christmas or Boxing Day. Not in this state. It won't make things better. Pretty sure it will go the opposite way.

I am hoping to go to Guelph to see the Goles or to Scarborough to see the Kennys in and around Boxing Day etc. They are the family I choose to have.

The lack of sleep is escalating this. I know that. I fell down the well and I'm stuck.

Nanowrimo Day 2

Words: 479

Total to date: 803

Nope not on track to make 50,000 in a month, BUT they are words none the less and progress is being made.

I hope that each day passes it will become easier and less anxious.

Nanowrimo 2018

In years passed I have generally attempted the minim nanowrimo with some success. In other words I set a word amount I needed to meet each day that was less than what is required for the full Nanowrimo (write 50,000 words in a month).

Due to the changing of moderators etc of that LJ group I didn't participate last year and apparently that means I have been removed permanently from the group.

A friend on Facebook is doing the Nanowrimo and I commented that I wish I thought I could do it, but I lacked inspiration. At his encouragement I am attempting the Nanowrimo, even if I don't get to 50,000 words.

My strained ribs and very busy work schedule, plus being a Mom and home schooling probably won't alow for 50,000 words in one month. But as my friend send this is about making the time to put words to a page and let the rest unfold.



I have been avoiding writing for awahile. Writing for me, means being vulnerable and do so lets many demons in. I need to start working to changing that line of thought as to return back to what used to be my one love. When I felt full of passion and inspiration and a constant need to write.

But as memories unraveled, I left my ex and I struggled to put words to paper for story. I'd start and stop or push it away because that meant going into my emotions as I write from them. I don't know how to explain it otherwise.

So it's time to stop letting my anxiety and PTSD block me from my former love. I don't expect this will be easy. The want to delete absolutely every single word I write will be hard. But if I don't write how can I get the story out? If I don't write how can I get better. I am so rusty. 7 years since I last worked on anything beyond RPG stuff and that fizzled out because of me. The rough draft is supposed to be rough. Then ideas can be flushed out and expanded upon.

328 words for November 1st. -on a story I began so long ago. Not many, but a start.

My son has a Video to Share Ride for Refuge

Mom notes:

William is reading because he was so nervous about speaking in front of camera he finally had me type out what he was trying to say.  This was attempt #17 or 18

William says:

To those that want to make a donation of items to the homeless to please contact my Mom.
Watch the video to find out the list of items being collected.

To make a money donation please go here:
https://secure.e2rm.com/registrant/FundraisingPage.aspx?registrationID=4204754&langPref=en-CA

Thanks for watching my video.

Love William

A Letter from my Son --Ride for Refuge

To My Friends and Family,

I am walking 5km in the Ride for Refuge because I am not good enough to ride my bike.

I am doing the ride because I want to help raise money for Building Hope and The Lighthouse Shelter and Soup Kitchen.

Building Hope is going to be a shelter for homeless Men, Women, Children and Families.

Orillia doesn't have anything except a Men's shelter for homeless people.

I am also collecting donations of tooth paste, tooth brushes, deodorant and period pads (Mom note: he mean's maxi pads), soap and travel shampoo.  Mom says to tell you to drop them off at the house or give them to me at Cubs.

I am also doing this and Coldest Night of the Year as part of my Final Cub project for the Seeonee Badge (Mom note: Like the Chief Scout award in Scouts but for Cubs).

You can use the link my Mom is putting below or email my Mom (nicole.m.kasurak@gmail.com) an e-transfer or when you see me next give me the actual money.  I need your Name, address and phone number for donations over $20 so they can send you tax receipts.

My goal is $200.

https://secure.e2rm.com/registrant/FundraisingPage.aspx?registrationID=4204754&langPref=en-CA

Love you

William 

Why am I so passionate?

I was asked why, as a home school parent, why I am so passionate about the repeal of the Ontario 2015 Health and Physical Education curriculum.

This.  This is why:

Because I still teach youth and because of 15 years of working in childcare we still have adults teaching children the proper names for our body parts are dirty words. 

Because teaching consent at a young age is important. Because recognizing when we are struggling emotionally and mentally and when we should seek help/from whom is important. 

Yes I home school, but I have to follow our Provincial curriculum, I have the luxury of teaching the 2015 health and Physical Education Curriculum. 

I also know after reading studies, the 2015 curriculum that I am in the minority for teaching my child with regards to sex ed and now we have children able to access technology at all times of the day in most cases better than their parents realize and that is not the place for our youth to be getting their information. 

And why should I ever think it’s okay for us to revert back to a curriculum that doesn’t address technology, bullying, mental health, consent, addiction, LGTBQ2 and what that means and looks like and I could go on.

I’d be this passionate even if I did not have a child. 

Sexual predators prey on the fact that for the majority of families sex is a taboo topic, it’s bad and that is how they keep their victims silent.

I am a victim of that last point. 

Yes my parents answered and taught us the facts of life, however we grew up in a day and age where we were expected to listen to our elders. Not one did we ever get taught that our bodies were our own. That no one ever had the right to touch us in any way we did not like. Actually we were brought up to kiss and hug our relatives whether we wanted to or not. The “family friend” used that to his advantage. I was first abused at the age my son is now. 
That is how predators work and a strong sex ed curriculum deters predators as well as results in reports happening right away when something happens. 

That is why I’m passionate about this.